Maria in Vancouver
Maria’s Worst Job Interviews
Job interviews are like first dates — good first impressions count, awkwardness can occur, and outcomes are unpredictable. There’s no doubt about it: job interviews can be nerve-wracking. Going for a job interview can be one of the most stressful events in our lives. It can either make or break our career paths and yes, our bank accounts.
The pressure of the actual interview process is both painful and real — from the struggle of finding the winning outfit that screams: “Hire me, I’m the best one for this job!” to remain calm and composed as you try your best to give the correct answers to the interviewer(s). On top of these, the agony of having to wait for the call back is also enough to spike up your anxiety attacks.
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Maria in Vancouver has become such a polished professional when it comes to job interviews. She knows the art of power dressing and the importance of it. She works with a top head-hunter or agent who matches her with the right employers. Maria carefully examines each job description. She performs a thorough research on the company, its culture, and the role itself. Maria also has a list of thoughtful questions she may want to ask for her interviewer(s). Maria has perfected her elevator pitch on describing herself, her qualifications, and her experiences. She’s also perfected the answers to common questions such as: “Why do you want to work here?, “What are your strengths and weaknesses?”, and “What interests you about this role?” In addition, Maria has practiced her speaking voice and proper body language.
However, Maria totally understands no matter how well you prepare for a job interview, sometimes due to recklessness, plain stupidity, and mostly nerves, a job interview can go horribly wrong in most hilarious ways. In the spirit of being like-minded human beings, Maria has agreed to share her own past “job interviews gone wrong” experiences.
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Three Little Birds (Don’t Worry About a Thing)! Maria’s agent sent her to an interview with a CEO of a private equity firm. The CEO’s office was at the prestigious Marine building — Vancouver’s world-renowned heritage building with its art deco inspired architecture. It’s famous for its brass revolving door. The interview went extremely well and Maria was 99% sure she’s got the job. The CEO suggested they continue the interview at lunch next door, the Nightingale restaurant. When coming out of the Marine building, the CEO walked ahead of Maria. Mid-turn, the whole revolving door stopped with a click. The CEO was able to get out. Maria, unfortunately, got stuck in the revolving door! She can’t seem to get out. She kept pushing. The CEO had to call security. Finally, security came and asked Maria if she was okay. D-uh. Maria nodded and tried to remain calm. Even though crazy thoughts filled her mind: “Dear God, please don’t let me die inside a revolving door, in front of strangers!”, and “Dear God, please don’t let me pee in front of my future boss!” Maria was holding her pee when she got stuck in the revolving door.
Meanwhile, passersby ogled and looked at Maria as if she were some exotic animal trapped inside a glass cage. To top it off, Maria is claustrophobic! To take her mind off wanting to pee, Maria started singing Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds (Don’t Worry About a Thing)! It took security 15 minutes to fix the revolving door and let Maria out. It was the longest 15 minutes of her life! On a more positive note, Maria got the job. It turned out the CEO was a huge fan of Bob Marley! Moral experience: Stay calm even under a crisis. Staying calm in the midst of chaos is a superpower!
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Panel interview nightmare. Don’t you just loathe panel job interviews? Maria’s agent matched her with a top pharmaceutical company to handle and manage their contracts and patents databases. Maria already had two successful interviews with the HR Department and the CEO of the pharmaceutical company. They invited Maria for a final interview — a panel interview. On the day of the interview, Maria faced a panel of seven interviewers. The interview turned out to be a long 1.5 hours of tough questions that sounded more like interrogations.
Nevertheless, Maria aced the panel interview. She was confident, articulate, and poised. Just as she thought the panel interview was over, one of the interviewers asked her a final question: “If you were to have a special superpower, what would it be and why?” Without batting an eyelash, Maria replied: “I would have the superpower of making you all disappear from this room right now!” Maria gasped! That didn’t sound right. Maria elaborated: “Well, I am just watching out for your wellness. We’ve been in this room for nearly two hours. I’m sure you’re all wanting to go and have your favourite happy hour cocktails. It’s half past five, it’s ah… uhm… wine o’clock time! Yay! But then again, if you’re all enjoying this panel interview as much as I am, ah, I would use my superpower to bring you back again to this room?” The CEO smized and ended the interview.
The next day, Maria received an offer from the pharmaceutical company! The HR Director told Maria: “We nearly did not hire you because your answers were almost too perfect! But when you answered the superpower question, we thanked the universe that you’re normal after all!” Moral experience: Just be yourself. There is nothing rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself, comfortable in her perfect imperfection. After all, imperfections are perfections to a beautiful perspective.
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Ooopps, Maria did it again! Maria went for another panel interview for a non-profit organization. She applied for a high-level position and the competition was fierce. On the appointed day and hour, Maria arrived at the interview right on time. She shook everyone’s hands with confidence. Maria sat down and began with her elevator pitch. When Maria finished speaking, the panel of five interviewers sat in silence. One of them finally spoke, “Your experience and qualifications are most ideal for a senior executive assistant to our CEO. However, this interview is actually for a Chief Financial Officer.” Oops. As it turned out, Maria got off the elevator at the wrong floor! Needless to say, she didn’t get the job. Moral experience: Always have presence of mind. Double check the location of your interview!
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A most memorable exit. One of Maria’s most memorable job interviews was with a CEO of a mining company. Maria gave the perfect answers to all the questions. The interview lasted for about 55 minutes. Maria shook the CEO’s hand, while maintaining effective eye contact. Maria said goodbye and turned to walk out — straight into the glass door! Ouch. Maria felt dizzy and crashed head-first into a heap of filing boxes. In an instant, papers went flying everywhere! Suffice to say, Maria didn’t get the job. The CEO found her too much of a liability. Moral experience: It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip completely over nothing. Sometimes, no matter how perfect you are — nature intervenes and screw things up for you! And there’s nothing much you can do but laugh about it.
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An intimate interview. Maria’s agent set her up for an interview with the SVP of a construction company. During the latter half of the interview, the SVP asked Maria questions such as: “What are your interests and hobbies?”, “What’s your favourite restaurant?”, “What is the first thing you noticed about me?”, “How many past partners have you had?”, “Are you available this Friday evening?” What started out as a legitimate job interview ended up as an intimate and more personal interview. The SVP ended up wanting to date her! Maria immediately called her agent and withdrew her job application. Moral experience: Never ever mix business with pleasure. It never works! It will only complicate your office life and your personal life, leading to conflicts in both.
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Panda eyes. Maria went for a job interview at a tech company. Since the office was close to her home, she decided to walk to the office location. On the way there, it started to rain heavily. Maria forgot to bring her umbrella! In Vancouver, you never leave your home without an umbrella. Maria was drenched. She arrived at her interview rocking a wet look. The interview itself went relatively smooth and again, she aced the questions. When the interview was over, Maria went to the loo. As she washed her hands, she glanced at the mirror and shrieked, “Mon Dieu!” Her mascara was smeared, and her eyes looked like panda eyes! It’s not even Halloween! Maria didn’t get the job. Moral experience: Always be prepared. Never leave your home without a brolly, especially if you live in Vancouver. Take the time to check yourself first in the mirror before your interviews. And yes, invest in a good waterproof mascara!
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Wrong shoes! Maria’s agent scheduled her a job interview right after a long weekend. On the day itself, Maria’s alarm didn’t ring. Maria found herself getting ready in haste! She has half an hour to get to her interview. It took her 15 minutes to get ready and another 15 minutes to arrive at her interview. Whew. Maria managed to be on time. The job interview was for a high-level position at an architectural company. It was another panel interview and Maria sat across four architects. As always, Maria did well during the interview — she answered all questions with poised and confidence. As she stood up, one of the female architects praised her, “I love your fashion sense. Are those the latest from Ferragamo?” Maria looked down at her shoes and was mortified. Her left shoe was black, and her right shoe was red! Maria did get the job — it turned out — they loved her bold fashion taste and colour coordination. Moral experience: Don’t let your agent schedule an interview after the long weekend. Hangovers and interviews don’t mix well.
(Photo courtesy of the author)
Buttons, the pooch has an expensive taste. One time, Maria arrived way too early for an interview. The Lady CEO was still out for lunch. Eventually, the receptionist took her to the Lady CEO’s office. The receptionist also told Maria that the Lady CEO is on her way. Inside the office, Maria found herself playing with the boss’ pooch. Maria loves dogs! As she waited, Maria accidentally kicked off her right shoe. Suddenly, the pooch grabbed her shoe by its mouth! Oh no, not her Ferragamo Gancini pump! Maria ended up wrestling with the pooch — to get her shoe off its mouth. Maria was angry at the pooch, “Give me back my shoe, you mutt! Do you know how much overtime I had to do to be able to afford this shoe? Give it back to me now, you ugly mutt!”
Unbeknownst to Maria, the Lady CEO had been watching the whole spectacle. The Lady CEO called her pooch, “Come here, Buttons!” The pooch dropped Maria’s shoe and ran towards its owner. Maria blushed, “Your dog is so adorable, I enjoyed playing with her! Don’t worry about my shoe; my shoe is simply fine!” Maria never heard back from the Lady CEO. Moral experience: Be punctual, but not too early for your interviews. Arriving 15 to 20 minutes before your scheduled interview is acceptable. Any more than that, and you may be sending the wrong message or worse, end up wrestling with your future boss’ pet!
(Photo courtesy of the author)
Interviewee down! During one of Maria’s job interviews, the hiring manager cracked a joke. Maria laughed out loud! As she laughed, Maria leaned back in her chair when it tipped over. Maria was exposed in a most uncomfortable position! It’s a good thing, she was wearing knickers that day. Eventually, Maria picked herself up, straightened her hair and her suit. Maria told the hiring manager, “Lol, your joke was so hilarious, I literally flipped over my chair! Shall we continue with the interview?” The hiring manager gave the job to Maria. It must’ve been the Victoria’s Secret underwear that sealed the deal. Moral experience: You can always turn an unfortunate incident into a winning moment. There are no circumstances, however unfortunate, that clever people do not extract some advantage from.
The biggest lesson we’ve learned from Maria’s worst job interviews is that the best strategy you could have in a job interview is to be your natural self. Just be honest because the worst thing that can happen is that you won’t get the job and will spend the rest of your life foraging for food in the forest and may end up seeking shelter underneath the awning of a strip club that has gone out of business. So yes, be yourself by all means, but don’t forget to be smart and to come prepared for an interview! After all, Life is one big balancing act.
A grateful creature with a passion for writing.
#MariainVancouver
