Maria in Vancouver
The Long and Difficult Process of Letting Go of my Adult Unico Hijo
My unico hijo turned 25 years old this year so he is an adult technically. But in my eyes, in my mind, and in my heart, my unico hijo will always be my giant baby! At 6’2” tall, he really does tower over my petite frame of 5’3”. I don’t know why but to this day, I still find it hard to accept that my son is no longer a child, no longer my little boy. Suffice to say, I’m truly having a hard time letting go of my adult unico hijo!
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
In mid-September of 2019, just a month after he turned 21, my son and I mutually decided to live separately. After careful thought and discussion, I told my son that I would like to accept my boyfriend’s offer to move in together (but I told my son emphatically that I will only do so if he consents to it). Much to my surprise, my son readily agreed to me moving out (I guess, he loved the idea of not having a helicopter mom anymore). Ironically, the one who flew from the family nest was me and not the other way around! By mid-September of 2019, I moved in with my boyfriend and lived in his place.
But I didn’t leave my son totally on his own and in the dark. With the condition that while he’s still in university, my son will continue to live in our own 2-bedroom condominium at Coal Harbour which we’ve had since 2011. This arrangement means that I will still pay for the roof over his head and the utilities of our condo while he pursues his studies full time. In fairness though, my son worked part time during the weekends, spring and summer break so he could take care of his own food, clothing and hobbies. My son is used to combining working and studying (at the same time) because he started working on weekends when he was just 15 years old. This “living separately” arrangement was a test for both mother and son: for my son, it was a way for him to start learning how to live independently and learn about growing up as a young man on his own. For me, it was a good way to find out if I’m really meant to be with my then boyfriend for good or go back to being single (again).
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
For the next three years, my son and I embraced our new lives — while living separately from each other. My son as a young man with his newly found freedom navigated through life discovering his own path and me as a middle aged woman finding herself in a new relationship and serious commitment amidst a pandemic. Yes, it so happened that Covid struck by March 2020 in Vancouver. In Canada, this meant isolation and my son and I weren’t really allowed to interact or mingle with each other for the duration of 2020 as we were from two different households. In our part of the world, during the height of the pandemic in 2020 with no vaccine in sight yet, it was strictly enforced that you should only keep or stick to your own household.
On top of these restrictions, my live-in partner’s fitness club was shut down by the government for at least 6 months in 2020; the gym industry was hard hit by the pandemic — we were the first to close and last to open. My son had to take his classes online so he really was completely isolated and didn’t see anyone. 2020 was definitely a tough and difficult year for both my son and I as we had to adjust to our new lives — living apart from each other and not seeing each other because of Covid. However, we texted and called each other everyday.
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
Thankfully, the Covid vaccine began in Canada on December 14, 2020 so that meant my son and I could start seeing each other more frequently. By the beginning of 2021, my son and I are already well adjusted to our new lives. His main focus was his studies and cultivating new friendships in university. Whereas I was more emotionally invested with my romantic relationship with my live-in partner and enjoying working with him at his fitness club. We saw my son for dinner on Sundays, birthdays and special festive occasions. I texted my son daily and spoke to him on the phone every other day.
2021 was definitely a better year for my son and myself. But 2022 was way even better! My son graduated with Distinction (Cum Laude) in Digital Design and Development under Web Technologies in June 2022. He immediately got a steady job as a Software Engineer which meant that he’s now responsible for the roof over his head. Truly, kudos to him for persevering with finishing his education. When we attended his graduation, I had tears flowing down my cheeks like a waterfall! I can’t help feeling so proud of him and his achievement — all his hard work and determination paid off. I’m so grateful and so honoured to have attended three of my son’s graduation ceremonies (grade school, secondary, and university). I, on the other hand, got married to my live-in partner a month after my son’s graduation so kudos to me too!
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
The last three years (late 2019-to late 2022) were a learning curve for both mother and son. The last three years taught my son how to be more independent; he learned how to be on his own during a really tough and difficult time (pandemic) including taking care of himself while getting sick with the virus; he learned the value of hard work, money and the importance of finishing his education; he became more focused on improving the quality of his life and mental health; he sought creative pursuits such as photography, oil painting, and learning musical instruments. My son also became more sociable and wasn’t afraid to venture out and try to experience new adventures.
This year (2023), my son has even spread his wings wider by travelling on his own. He went to Toronto earlier this year for a mini vacation with his two childhood friends (guys he went to school with since grade school and high school). And as I write this new article in my column, my son is off to Europe for a two week vacation on his own! Good for him! My son and I owe Canada a huge debt of gratitude: this magnificent country, our new forever home, has been so generous and kind to my son and I. Canada has been a positive motivating force for the growth of my son. Truly, the quality of life here in Canada is second to none.
While I’m truly happy for my son and his new adventures, I still can’t help but worry about him everyday. Whenever I see, hear, or read about something negative in the news, I immediately text my son and warn him about what I’ve seen in the news. I still text him everyday and I call him every other day. My husband and I still see him for Sunday dinners, birthdays and special occasions. Yet, I still constantly worry about him. I thought that having lived the last 4 years apart from my son would make me already used to being without him, but, I still find myself missing living with my son. In other words, I’m still not used to the idea of being an empty nester! Having an empty nest is not an easy matter — it really is a lot tougher than what I had imagined!
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
I wish that I could rewind Time and freeze it so I could watch my son grow up all over again, spend more quality time with him because Time really just went by so fast. Too fast. As a single working mom, raising my son on my own for 19 years was tough. But now, I’m learning that letting go of my son out into the vast outside world and proving to myself that I did my job right as his mother is even tougher, way tougher! I’ve learned that as a mother — life with my son is a one long difficult process of letting go: from the time that he’s a toddler learning to crawl, to when I let go of his hand so that he could take his first solo steps, to letting go of his bike so that he could learn to ride it on his own, and to when he turned 21 and making that tough fateful decision to live separately so he could learn how to be independent and allowing him to spread his wings.
The last three years taught me that my first and foremost duty as my son’s mom is to teach him how to live for himself. It is my duty as a parent to give him three important things in life: love, his roots, and finally, his own wings. I’m learning now that by letting go of my son, I’m actually letting him grow and thrive on his own. I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t be around forever and that my son also needs to know and accept this fact.
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
If you are like me going through the difficulties of having the dreaded Detachment Wall, here are a few tips I’d like to share based on the different ways I’ve learned on how to cope with letting go of my adult unico hijo:
1. Letting go of your adult child doesn’t mean that you’re abandoning your adult child. Learn, accept, understand and truly realise that a mother’s job is to teach her children not to need her anymore in life.
2. Don’t feel guilty of living apart from your adult child. Know that the best legacy you’ll ever leave to your adult child is by letting them learn to spread their wings. Accept this truth: kids have their own lives to live and you cannot live your life vicariously through your kids.
3. Continuous caretaking stunts your adult child’s growth in life. You see, there’s a huge difference between caring and caretaking. You have to learn to tell your adult child that it’s time he or she or they take care of their own lives. It’s about time they learn how to solve their own problems. This doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring about them. On the contrary, you care about them so much that the best thing you could do for them is to stop being their caretaker.
4. Allow them to learn internal coping skills. Don’t always say yes or be there for them every time. How else will they learn in life if you’re always there to cope for them instead of letting them cope for themselves? Let your adult child experience failure, loss, discomfort, disappointment without you extending a hand each time. In this way, they can learn that they will survive on their own no matter what. They’ll thank you later on for teaching them how to be strong.
Photo courtesy of Pexels.
5. Let your adult child correct his/her/their mistakes. You can’t forever fix your child’s problems. In fact, as soon as he or she (or they) reach their preteens, they should start to learn to be responsible for their mistakes. Don’t be like the father of the character Larry in the movie, Parenthood: putting off your retirement so you can pay your adult child’s debts. Know that it is not your job to fix your adult child’s mistakes in their lives!
6. Avoid the “Failure to Launch” scenario. I’ve learned that as I look back to that day (mid-September 2019) when I told my son that I’ve decided to accept my boyfriend’s offer to move in together — is actually the day that I ended up giving my son the most precious gift I’ll ever give him: learning to spread his own wings. No matter how tough it gets, be firm with your decision to let go. Once they’ve left the nest, there’s no going back. Your duty and responsibility to your adult child is to let him, her, (or they) map out their own course and determine their own destination.
7. Stop enabling your adult child. Enabling is totally harmful to you and to your adult child. By doing so, you are not doing your adult child any favours. Teach your adult child that the ability to take care of oneself is an essential skill they’ll need in their life — it’s teaching them how to survive. Remember that your life is not guaranteed. Only our eventual death is guaranteed. What happens with our adult child when we die? We don’t want them to struggle in life after they lose us. We want them to be able to survive even after we die.
My son and I are now in our 4th year of living apart and guess what? I noticed that we actually text, talk, and spend more quality time together now compared to the years that we lived together! I couldn’t agree more when the great and funny Lucille Ball once said: “You see much more of your children after they leave home.” As always, Lucille Ball was so spot on.
A grateful creature with a passion for writing.
#MariainVancouver
