Consciously Coupling and How it Works

Maria in Vancouver can’t help but reflect on what is the secret to a lasting relationship? Is there really a happily-ever-after? How do couples maintain that spark? How do couples stay in love with each other amidst a pandemic, a financial loss, a third-party involvement, an illness, and through life’s many other sorrows? How does consciously coupling work?

Maria has been in enough relationships to realize that the best relationships entail couples who are transparent and honest with each other. There must be a lot of respect and acceptance between both parties. We’re all born differently with unique preferences and needs hence being understanding towards each other goes a long way. Then of course, there must be trust — tons of it!

Maria is in a serious and long-term relationship with Mr. S.O. (Mr. Significant Other). Oh, they are also together 24/7. Their relationship is not picture-perfect, but it’s definitely stable and solid. Perhaps, it helps that she was lucky to end up with a partner who understands her and her needs as a woman and as a partner. Perhaps, it helps that her partner is a decade and years ahead of her which explains why her partner is so patient with her. Perhaps, it also helps that both have been in two failed serious relationships prior to meeting each other — there’s definitely some major lessons learned between the two of them.

Here are a few love hacks that Maria has learned with her better half:

The Importance of the Three C’s in relationships: Commitment, Communication, and Compromise.

Maria and Mr. S.O. ‘s first date lasted a lengthy seven hours! What started as a brief coffee date turned into cocktails that led to a four-hour dinner date. They were both transparent with each other. They both laid down their cards on the table — they discussed their expectations and what they’re both looking for. At the end of their first date, they established that they both wanted commitment.

On their second date, they both walked their talk: during dinner, they deactivated their dating site accounts. Maria closed her Tinder, Match, Bumble, eHarmony, and she called her matchmaker agent from Vancouver’s Executive Search Dating to close her profile. Whew. Maria felt a ton of weight was lifted off her shoulders. Dating has been an exhausting experience for Maria! Mr. S.O. closed his Tinder profile — it was him who suggested they deactivate their dating profiles. It was a blessing that Maria and Mr. S.O. had a mutual friend who introduced them to each other. 

Fast-forward to a year after dating, they took their commitment to the next level, they decided to work and live together. Three years later, between the coronavirus pandemic and the stress of having to go through an emotionally exhausting divorce (Maria’s partner was going through divorce when they first met) — Maria and Mr. S.O are still very much together, and stronger together.

How did their relationship survive the pandemic and the divorce drama? The secret was healthy communication and the art of compromising. Maria and Mr. S.O. had lots of disagreements and heated arguments because they are both Alphas. However, with time, they both realized that through healthy communication and by arguing constructively, they are able to listen to each other and understand each other better. With time, they both learned that criticizing, yelling, and insulting each other are more likely to be the cause of heading towards splitsville.

Instead, they are learning how to actively listen to each other, discuss issues calmly, and compromise with each other. They are both works-in-progress. They both know that it is important to have an environment in which both parties can freely share their emotions, their thoughts, their fantasies, their complaints and pains, without the fear of being judged, lectured, withdrawn, or worse, attacked.

Practicing your partner’s love language on a daily basis.

Maria and Mr. S.O. ‘s love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.

Before going to sleep and when they wake up, they say these three things to each other: “Good morning/good night, I love you, and thank you.” Throughout the day, they constantly say, “I love you” and “thank you.” At work, when Maria achieved higher than normal sales for the day, her partner thanked her and acknowledged her by saying: “Great job, baby! Thank you for an awesome day at work!” In turn, when her partner successfully closed a deal, Maria lavished praise on him: “You’re brilliant, baby! Well done!” These are examples of their words of affirmation. Ok, Singletons, I can see your eye rolls and hear your contemptuous sighs over these saccharine words of affirmation; but when you’re a couple in love, you do tend to go O.T.T. (over the top).

Maria and Mr. S.O. are together 24/7 because they work together. This doesn’t mean they take each other for granted. They genuinely enjoy being together. They like to learn from each other. Maria’s partner has become her mentor and life coach when it comes to running a business. In turn, Maria has become a loyal companion to her partner. When not working together, they go for a drive around Vancouver. They go for walks along the seawall. They always have date nights during weekends. They have fun doing things together — even as mundane as grocery shopping or watching Friends or Sex and the City reruns. These are examples of their quality time together.

With regard to acts of services, Maria and Mr. S.O. do household chores together. Maria does the daily laundry while Mr. S.O. prepares their morning daily rituals: coffee, green tea, and hot lemon water. Maria prepares dinner daily while her partner washes the dishes. At work, Maria does the sales, and her partner oversees the daily operations. Maria combs her partner’s hair every morning and in turn he makes sure that Maria’s phone is charged every night. These little acts of kindness really make the difference in a relationship. You must be kind to each other. It really is not a difficult act to do.

When it comes to physical touch, Maria and Mr. S.O. find time in always giving each other hugs at the end of the day. Maria likes to touch. She runs her fingers through her partner’s hair or back. Her partner likes to hold hands with her when they walk. In every relationship, there comes a time when the Oxytocin wears off. That’s a fact. Sex is an integral part of a relationship. It’s an effective and fun way to keep your relationship healthy and happy. The sweet spot is to have sex at least once a week. A good prelude to sex is hugging and cuddling. And definitely, foreplay! Oh dear, Maria would hate to see her son’s expression when he reads this stuff! She could see him squirming. Or gagging.

Remain positive with each other and inject humour in your relationship.

Not every day is a sunny day. There’s gloom and doom too. Even the most successful businessman can be prone to bouts of insecurity. It is Maria’s duty to remind her partner that he’s a legend and an achiever even though he’s grumpy. Whenever Maria feels fat and bloated, her partner reassures her that she’s stunning even if she needs to lose weight around her waist! Maria and her better half are positive but honest with each other. And that’s the way it should always be.

It also helps that they don’t take themselves seriously. They both know how to laugh at themselves. Laughing together reduces stress and tension. A good joke makes tough times a helluva easier. Maria finds it hard to stay mad with Mr. S.O. for far too long because he will always pull funny faces or does his monkey dance each time she’s mad at him. On the other hand, when her partner is stressed out, Maria says the funniest things and his frown turns upside down. Having a sense of humour in your relationship is by far the best couples therapy.

Working and living together as a team to achieve short or long-term goals.

Happy couples always have something to look forward to in their journey together. Maria and her partner have drawn up a plan for their short-term and long-term goals. Don’t waste your precious time on things that don’t matter. It’s all superficial nonsense and stop trying to live up to society’s standard of happiness. Instead, create your own standard of happiness. You do you. Don’t compare yourselves to the Jones’ couple. When you set goals as a couple, it solidifies your relationship. When you share a dream together, you start bonding and connecting with your partner on a deeper level. It’s all about creating and re-creating your lives together.

Learn to forgive and forget.

Anyone can fall in love easily, but keeping the music playing in your relationship is always based on hard work. Maria’s relationship with Mr. S.O. is not quite a walk in the park for both of them. They both have to work hard on their relationship every day. Environmental and psychological factors, rollercoaster emotions, work stress levels, life events, and present circumstances are the challenges that Maria and her partner have to overcome on a daily basis.

It is natural to have fights and disagreements over these challenges. It’s how you solve your difficulties and how you react towards each other that helps you overcome your fights. During arguments, think before you speak. Your words can destroy a person and ultimately, your relationship. Even in the thick of a heated discussion, take a deep breath and quickly ask yourself, will my words be kind? Believe me, it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when tempers are flaring, but you must both exert an effort and make it a habit to be kind to each other.

Learn to also shut up and listen to your partner. Whatever difficulties you may both have, try to resolve it and reach a better understanding before you end your day. Don’t go to bed with a heavy heart. Kobe Bryant’s death taught Maria and Mr. S.O. to always say “I’m sorry, I love you, and I forgive you” to each other before they go to sleep or leave their flat. Maria and her partner are grateful for every time they are together and the mere thought that they might never know if the other one will come back home safely or wake up alive the following day, and thus, it is important for them to just want to forgive each other after a fight and move on without grudges.

And just like that,  Maria found her answers to her questions about love and relationships: commitment, effective communication, practicing the act of compromise and your love languages on a daily basis, working and living together as a team, and yes, learning to forgive and forget at all times. Maria also discovered that there are no happily-ever-afters — only contently consciously coupling.