Miss World Philippines 2018: My First Pageant

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Beauty pageants are superficial. Beauty pageants are catty and aggressive. Beauty queens are all looks and no brains.

These stereotypes about the beauty pageant industry are a lot of the reasons why I never thought I myself would join one. Never have I been the most poised, let alone the most confident in a room full of women. At the age of 16, I even remember being scouted at the mall by a talent agent who was interested in training me and submitting me into these various competitions, but advised that he would only do so if I agreed to lose ten pounds. At that point, all of my hopes of even entering the industry disappeared because I never felt I would be enough to fulfill the public definition of ‘beauty.’

But, here’s my story on how I found myself in the pursuit of becoming a beauty queen by competing in one of the biggest pageants in the country.

Entering Pageantry

During my high school years, the local workers at our cafeteria would always call me ‘Miss Universe 2020,’ which was a shock since I went to a Caucasian school where my color and look weren’t the most favored. However, as pageantry started booming in the Philippines, my family and friends really persisted that despite physical appearance still being a big factor in getting the crown, brains and personality were also valued now, which ignited an interest in me.

I started trying to picture myself strutting in heels after I graduated high school in 2013, the same year Megan Young was crowned Miss World 2013. I would watch videos of her performances and interviews admiring how relatable she was, but still believed getting a crown myself someday was an impossible dream because I was too short, wasn’t thin enough, and wasn’t the mestiza/chinita Filipina the Philippines always defined as ‘gorgeous.’

A few years later during my senior year of university in Ateneo, I took a leap of faith and tried out for a pageant without any prior experience with my friend Clarice Villareal. We both didn’t get in, but that did not stop her from auditioning and succeeding to become a candidate for Binibining Pilipinas a few months later. I thought to take that same leap of faith the same year but decided to back out of Miss World Philippines 2017 auditions thinking that I did not have enough experience or knowledge.

During the opening of Maharlika Pilipinas Basketball League, where I still work as a courtside reporter to this day, I was approached by the secretary of the opening ceremonies saying that my name was familiar — and that she was also the secretary of Miss World Philippines 2017 where I was expected to show up during the screening, adding that I “had good potential” because of my credentials. Without thinking twice, I promised her I’d join the following year.

Preparing for Miss World Philippines 2018

At that point, I was a blank canvas. My mentor today, Jontie Martinez (who we call ‘Tito Jontie’) held one of the smaller pageant camps, but had produced many success stories. She was the reason why my friend Clarice had enough confidence to join Binibining Pilipinas, and at that point, no other camps were interested in training me (which became a blessing in disguise!)

Three months prior to the Miss World Philippines screening in August, Tito Jontie and I got to work. Upon meeting me, he already suggested how I could polish my look – like grooming my brows, layering my hair, and taking care of my skin. One thing I admired about Tito Jontie is that unlike the other managers I had worked with, he never pressured me to lose weight or give into the superficial surgeries that came with acceptance from the industry.

Just having a conversation with me, Tito Jontie knew that I would nail the closed-door interviews and Q&A portions of the pageants since my professions and university degree pertained to public speaking and research of current events. However, there was one thing that needed major polishing — my walk. I was a complete tomboy (still am!) who loves her Jordans, so I had no familiarity with how to walk in heels. Every week, we’d meet at the clubhouse at Tito Jontie’s subdivision and for two hours just walk, pose, and turn. For some sessions, I trained with now Mutya ng Pilipinas 2018 second runner-up Kristine Malicsi (who walks beautifully!) and Miss Earth Philippines 2007 Jeanne Harn.

The Screening Process

In all honesty, I wanted to back out again the day before the pageant. I really did not think I was capable of joining a beauty pageant – a major one at that being my very first one. I arrived at the screening 30 minutes late and thought, that alone, diminished my chances in the competition. Upon arrival, all of the girls were assisted by their managers, had their makeup done professionally, and were dressed by stylists, while I entered alone, did my own makeup, and wore a too-tight/too-short bodycon dress that I found in the back of my closet. One thing was for sure – I obviously had the least experience of all these women.

The screening process was divided into two parts: one where they test your general presence, and the other where the judges dig deep into your speaking skills and personalities. From almost 100 aspirants, we were cut down into 40 — myself being one of the few candidates who was registered as an ‘independent’ and was a first-timer. While the press and pageant blogs gathered around the girls who were titleholders, I was there unknown, unnoticed, but aware that I was in for one hell of a journey.

The Other Candidates

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There’s a common misconception about pageantry that girls are ‘catty,’ I won’t deny that there was an atmosphere of competitiveness, but that is inevitable since there were 40 of us vying for only four crowns. However, what outsiders don’t expect is that we actually became each other’s rock as well throughout the entire competition. Initially, I thought the ‘sisterhood’ was superficial and fake, but with the public eye constantly comparing you and pointing out your shortcomings to uplift their ‘bet,’ we really clung on to each other.

During the initial events, I chose to sit quietly alone. All of the other girls had been preparing for MWP together and had known each other months beforehand, while the independent with me only knew one person, Erica, who I had met in high school. But, after we were assigned our numbers, I found a sort of squad with the people around me. Kimi, Crissia, Katrina, and Tammie were my constants because we were always grouped together as candidates #35, #36, #38, #40 and me as #37.

Even after the events, we would be messaging each other on social media to debrief what happened during the day. When I had any self-doubt during the competition, these girls would constantly reassure me of my chances, remind me of the accomplishments that I already achieved, and the amount of progress I had made since day one. Amidst all of the pressure of the competition, they were the ones that I could send silly memes to, have dinners with, and join laughs with during rehearsals because we knew that despite it being a competition, nobody knew what was happening on the inside and the hard work we were sacrificing for the pageant proper.

The Lows

Two months of hard work and determination is what I like to describe my MWP journey as. At the time, I was working five part-time jobs in order to pay for my rent, especially because I had just moved into my own condo independently around the same time as the pageant. Ahead of time, I had already alerted my bosses that I might be missing hours or delaying tasks because of my bid in MWP, which they were very understanding.

At the first parts of the pageant, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. At every event, all of the girls would be dressed-to-kill and makeup-on-fleek by their personal stylists and makeup artists, while I was putting everything together myself. Thankfully, one of my college best friends Xeena partnered up with her friend Nathan to be my own personal glam team, but all three of us still had limited knowledge on how to go about a ‘pageant look.’ Top that off with my lack of experience as well on how to approach the organizers, the sponsors, and the media on how to build a good rapport with them.

A few weeks after the announcement of the official candidates, we were presented to the press. I was absolutely terrified. When we were released to approach the media for interviews, I remember completely freezing and Tito Jontie telling me, “What’s happening to you? This isn’t like you! Use your incredible speaking skills,” as he encouraged me to break out of my shell. Yet, the self-doubt remained, Tito Jontie having to literally drag me to the reporters. As a result, not a single pageant blogger afterward included me in their ‘Top 16 predictions’ and I had not made any noise in the next two months. This took a toll on my confidence.

The Highs

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In all honesty, for a lot of the following events, I felt like I was in the shadows. I even broke down, questioning whether or not I actually had a chance at the crown – and if it was worth all of the sacrifice. From August to October, I did not see a lot of my friends, I barely saw my family, and all of my free time was spent home catching up on work. I was miserable for a good amount of time because I felt like no matter the efforts I gave into this pageant, I was simply a ‘nobody’ who did not have enough support to win.

Yet, I had found time to return to my on-cam work at Maharlika Pilipinas Basketball League after three weeks of not covering the basketball games. One of the writers for Fox Sports Philippines named Jonas had approached me and said that he wanted to share my “From Sneaks to Heels” story. I was astonished because it was a gentle reminder that I did not embark into pageantry for the crown, the money, or the recognition — ultimately, I wanted to inspire.

After that, I had felt like I had loosened up and began to get the hang of things. I would arrive at events dressed-up according to my own personality, not to impress, but because it was fun. I would approach the sponsors that we’d meet despite them not knowing my name, just to ignite an interesting conversation. My friends and I would go through all of the efforts to post the best photos on our social media, because we wanted to recall our MWP journey as a positive experience. And whenever I would doubt myself, Tito Jontie was a text away saying, “Focus on your own goals,” or Kimi would remind me that I “am doing so many amazing things outside of pageantry,” or my family encouraged that they are “so so proud.”

Because I let loose and took a deep breath relieving myself from the intensity of the competition, I allowed the pageant to help build my confidence, reduce my insecurities, and ultimately unveil my capabilities to be independently strong.

Night before the coronation

Yet amidst the journey to improvement, the night before the coronation, after four days of all-day rehearsals, two weeks of non-stop events, and two-months of competition, I felt as if my mind, body, and soul had been drained. I crashed to my ultimate low and wanted to back out of strutting through the much-awaited event.

As I sat in the back seat of the bus on our way back to our hotel after the final rehearsals, I couldn’t continue to hold back my tears. Here I was, highly convinced that not only was MWP not for me but pageantry as a whole. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t win, much alone make it to the Top 16, so I asked myself – Is it even worth it?

I called up my boyfriend, Ryan, to take the almost hour-long drive to my hotel because I needed someone to cry to. He recalls picking me up and never seeing me bawl like that before. I screeched that I wanted to go home, that pageantry clearly wasn’t for me. I told him about the person who commented on my Instagram, saying, “You’re not going to win! You’re not even pretty, I don’t know why you joined in the first place.” I told him about not getting in as a finalist into the any of the fast tracks despite my best efforts. I told him that I had no more energy in me, to just take me home and forget that MWP ever even happened.

However, both he, my mom, and all of my friends reminded me that night — that this is just the beginning of a long journey. I became an official candidate as a first-timer besting out experienced competitors. I overcame all fears by joining one of the biggest pageants in the country as my very first one. And, I had already gotten that far – why walk away from it now?

8th of October, 2018

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The entire night, I hid myself under the covers and continued to cry. I connected with so many emotions that I didn’t know what else to do. Up until the very last second when we walked on stage, I was sensitive to everything going on around me and felt aloof to the situation.

But, there was something extremely powerful about the bright lights that lit up the stage. It was empowering. It made me feel invincible. For some reason, during the show proper, all of my negative thoughts completely disappeared and I was just focused on putting on the best performance of my life. How many other aspirants would ever experience that many eyes on them on such an incredible platform? And, here I was.

And, there were my friends and family, making sure that they scream their lungs out so I can hear their cheers from a distance. Those minutes, where I had the audience’s attention as I smiled, walked, and posed, it was a representation of self-growth. From this young girl at the age of 16 who was told that she had to change her physical appearance to join pageantry, to the 19-year-old who tried to get into the industry not knowing how to walk in heels, to the now 23-year-old strutting in front of thousands of people on-stage with some of the most beautiful women in the country. Is the crown really what I needed to feel like I’ve won?

Because, let me tell you, as soon as the pageant was over and I had gone home empty-handed, I knew that this was only the beginning and I had never felt as fearless with my next steps in life.

Continuing my Advocacies

In retrospect, what I had learned from my stint in MWP 2018 was that I had the ability to speak, and the powerful voice I was given should further look into my advocacies to spread the need to do good. The pageant itself had me question my passions and genuine intentions in what I want to change about the world, as we were questioned on our advocacies by the general public.

One of my biggest advocacies during MWP was ‘body positivity among young women in the Philippines,’ which was the same subject as my senior thesis in ADMU. My partner, Chynna, and I produced a magazine entitled “Marilag,” which shares stories of young women and their journey towards self-acceptance against the stereotypical definition of ‘beauty’ in the country.

The week before the coronation night as well, Ryan and I visited U! Happy Events in my area of the city I represented, the organization aiming to teach values to marginalized children. Being there, interacting with these children who were nothing but joyful as you played games with them and gave them hugs, had my eyes opened to the true meaning of a ‘queen.’

The Future of Pageantry, I hope

Despite the insane rollercoaster, I was genuinely pleased with how pageantry has been developing, in the hopes that it continues to prioritize intelligence over beauty. Indeed, physical appearance continues to be the deciding factor of these major pageants, however, the industry has been stepping out of the stereotypical – some of the contestants of MWP being only 5’2” tall, none of us ever being pressured to ‘limit what we eat’ and being told that our bodies are not beautiful.

In the direction that pageantry is going, I do hope that continues to be pursued. On a personal level, I am aware that our current queens sent abroad still embody the stereotypical definition of ‘beauty’ in the country, but I’m hoping that we can break from limiting the crowned queens to light-skin, pointed noses, and Caucasian blood. Being 100% Filipina with tanned skin and Asian features, I hope that we can someday be the faces of the country as well.

The Pursuit to Represent the Philippines Someday

During the two months of MWP2018, I had told myself that after coronation night, I would never find myself joining another pageant again. However, for some strange reason, at the conclusion of the event, I woke up on October 9 with adrenaline excited to join my next pageant.

There are so many lessons that I learned during this national pageant that I am anticipating applying during my next chance to obtain a crown. I was also aware of my shortcomings that I wanted to redeem myself from. And ultimately, my heart is too attached to the dream to be able to represent my home, the Philippines, on an international stage someday… in the near future.