Moving on through art

FILE: MOVING ON. For Aleilia Ariola, art has been her medium to battle her feelings and face each day after losing her son. (Photo courtesy of Aleila Ariola)

MANILA — “Undas” serves as a time for Filipinos to remember and visit their departed loved ones. Every person has his or her own way of dealing with the pain and going on with life.

For Aleilia Ariola, art has been her medium to battle her feelings and face each day after losing her son.

Almost three years ago, first-time mom Ariola was so excited about her pregnancy. She would ask other moms some tips about where to buy the best baby bottles and other stuff.

She would carefully choose what to eat, tried hard to avoid coffee, and opted for organics.

The young mom had started painting what she thought her own family would look like.

Ariola gave birth to Andres Kidlat on Oct.

25, 2016. Andres, however, had his final breath just 15 hours after being born. He died due to complications having a single umbilical artery.

“(Andres) was already dead when I was able to hold him.

I was just brought down to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit), so I could at least hold him,” she told the Philippine News Agency (PNA) in an interview on Wednesday.

She said she tried to hold her tears upon learning about what happened. “I had to put a brave face on. I had to be strong because I know my son would feel the same if I would fight,” she remarked, adding that she named her son “Andres” to symbolize bravery.

But the then 30-year old lady is just human. All her tears and emotions went down as she held her baby.

“I was depressed for days. I couldn’t understand what went wrong, because I did everything during pregnancy to make Andres healthy,” she said.

At first, she was blaming the gynecologist “for not telling her the truth” about how serious Andres’ case was. Apparently, during congenital anomaly scan, she wasn’t told about the risks her baby might face.

“But then I realized, what’s the point of blaming the doctor? I just learned a lesson that things would not depend on expensive hospital or doctor fees and on quality service and care,” Ariola said.

There was a point when Ariola began questioning God. “Sometimes I tend to be super bitter. There are those who are weak or unhealthy, those living in the streets. Why are their kids alive? I’ve researched about the healthiest food, about the (right) things to do during pregnancy. Why are these not enough?” she lamented.

She admitted that she kept on asking God about His plans but realized that she couldn’t blame God or anyone for what happened.

“I just hold on to the fact that God has beautiful plans for us. I believe in the saying that ‘God gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers’,” Ariola said.

Moving on was hard for Ariola at first. “I could consider anything a joke, but when it comes to Andres, I couldn’t laugh. Losing a child is not easy because it’s like I lost half of me, someone who was ‘OA’ in excitement for my baby,” she continued.

It is still painful, according to her, but clarified that she has learned to accept what happened. “A year after that, I no longer cry every night. I just think that it has a purpose,” she said.

To get herself busy, she focused on art. She started creating small sculptures made from terracotta clay. She didn’t stop painting, using any medium, to keep her mind busy. Ariola also put up a joint exhibit with her friend. She and her husband also used art to showcase the Lumads and Aetas.

Now, the self-taught artist has done several commissioned paintings, some can be found on various walls and in coffee shops.

Ariola said she could not offer those who also lost their kids the best advice to move on, because until now, she’s trying to heal herself.

“Perhaps, the key is to heal themselves. Let time and their willingness heal their wounds,” she emphasized.

She added that at the end of the day, they need to stay strong not only for themselves, but also for their loved ones who are still alive, as well as for others who are in need. “Hold on to your faith,” she added.

Ariola said it’s too painful seeing her child, who’s supposed to be two years old now, buried in the ground.

She described it as “depressing, as if three bouncers are punching (her) in the chest while being so helpless.”

But visiting Andres’ grave is also a stress relief for both her and her husband. “That’s the only place where we find peace,” she said, noting that in their minds and in their hearts, they are complete.