Connect with us

Lifestyle

How to fight about money and stay madly in love

Published

on

“You want to be able to see that you can move through conflicts before you get married. It's like your training ground." (Photo by 401(K) 2012/Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

“You want to be able to see that you can move through conflicts before you get married. It’s like your training ground.” (Photo by 401(K) 2012/Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

“Ask Brianna” is a column from NerdWallet for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. I’m here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans — all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Send your questions about postgrad life to askbrianna?nerdwallet.com.

The way couples talk about money — and fight about it, inevitably — doesn’t depend on whether they’re married or not. There are good and bad ways to discuss topics as emotional as money, no matter where you are in your relationship.

If you think this could be a serious long-term thing, you would be smart to start having hard money conversations now. Don’t avoid friction that could end up helping you learn valuable information about your partner — and your partnership.

“You want to be able to see that you can move through conflicts before you get married. It’s like your training ground,” says Carin Catalano, a Seattle-based marriage and family therapist with a specialty in financial therapy.

Even if you don’t plan to marry, the same rules apply: Start talking money early, get into the details and make it a goal that you’ll both walk away from an argument feeling respected and understood, Catalano says. Get the basics down now, and by the time you’ve made the decision to commit to each other, you’ll be light-years ahead of your peers who’ve been avoiding the subject.

MAKE MONEY BORING

Money is a huge source of conflict for couples. But talking about it as frequently as you would a more mundane topic takes away some of its power to intimidate. Make “How big is your emergency fund?” the new “What should we watch on Netflix?” Getting to know how your partner approaches money will take some of the fire out of the fight.

Start by laying out your full financial picture as soon as you get serious about each other. Share how much debt you have , what your credit scores are, whether you’ve had bankruptcies or foreclosures, and how much you earn and have saved. It’s a good idea to explain your families’ approaches to money, which can help you both understand where your good and bad habits, emotions and beliefs about money are coming from.

Then you’re ready to face the stickier, ongoing issues that can come up — such as how you each manage money on a day-to-day basis. Many couples argue about how much is too much to spend on a purchase, for example, or what amount of debt is palatable. Get into the practice of bringing up your concerns, not pushing them down. Think of it as a couple of minutes of awkwardness in service to the long-term health of the relationship.

FIGHT THE RIGHT WAY

Whether or not you’re married, fighting a lot doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is unsuccessful. Fighting becomes a problem if the arguments are nasty and result in personal attacks, leaving both partners feeling drained and small. There is, instead, a right way to fight.

Say you’ve decided to commingle your finances — which I recommend only if you’re planning a future together — and your partner spent way more on a new bass guitar than you thought was reasonable. Follow these steps:

– If you’re really angry, take a few hours, or a day, to cool off. Wait to initiate a hard conversation until you’re feeling more calm and rational. “When we get angry, we’re no longer using the part of our brains that is responsible for our centres of reason and judgment,” Catalano says.

– Avoid outright blame. Try saying, “I was hurt when I saw that $500 purchase from the checking account, because we’d agreed to talk before spending more than $200 at a time from there.”

– Look to the future. Ask if the way you’ve decided to manage money together is working for your partner. Demonstrate that you’re in this together, and that one mistake or wrong move isn’t the end of the line for you.

———————————————————————————————————————

This column was provided to The Associated Press by the personal finance website NerdWallet. Brianna McGurran is a writer at NerdWallet. Email: bmcgurran?nerdwallet.com. Twitter: ?briannamcscribe.

RELATED LINKS:

NerdWallet: In the Red Before You Wed? Talk Debt With Your Partner

https://nerd.me/marriage-finances-debt

 

Continue Reading
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Maria in Vancouver

Lifestyle1 week ago

Nobody Wants This…IRL (In Real Life)

Just like everyone else who’s binged on Netflix series, “Nobody Wants This” — a romcom about a newly single rabbi...

Lifestyle2 weeks ago

Family Estrangement: Why It’s Okay

Family estrangement is the absence of a previously long-standing relationship between family members via emotional or physical distancing to the...

Lifestyle2 months ago

Becoming Your Best Version

By Matter Laurel-Zalko As a woman, I’m constantly evolving. I’m constantly changing towards my better version each year. Actually, I’m...

Lifestyle2 months ago

The True Power of Manifestation

I truly believe in the power of our imagination and that what we believe in our lives is an actual...

Maria in Vancouver3 months ago

DECORATE YOUR HOME 101

By Matte Laurel-Zalko Our home interiors are an insight into our brains and our hearts. It is our own collaboration...

Maria in Vancouver4 months ago

Guide to Planning a Wedding in 2 Months

By Matte Laurel-Zalko Are you recently engaged and find yourself in a bit of a pickle because you and your...

Maria in Vancouver4 months ago

Staying Cool and Stylish this Summer

By Matte Laurel-Zalko I couldn’t agree more when the great late Ella Fitzgerald sang “Summertime and the livin’ is easy.”...

Maria in Vancouver5 months ago

Ageing Gratefully and Joyfully

My 56th trip around the sun is just around the corner! Whew. Wow. Admittedly, I used to be afraid of...

Maria in Vancouver5 months ago

My Love Affair With Pearls

On March 18, 2023, my article, The Power of Pearls was published. In that article, I wrote about the history...

Maria in Vancouver6 months ago

7 Creative Ways to Propose!

Sometime in April 2022, my significant other gave me a heads up: he will be proposing to me on May...