Maria in Vancouver
No to Social Comparison; Yes to Living Your Best Life
When you compare yourself with others, it’s a recipe for misery because all it does is to keep you focused on what you don’t like about yourself and your life. Comparing yourself to others robs you of happiness. It also robs you of living your best life. Worse, when we compare ourselves to others, we end up pretending to be someone that we’re not. Social comparison robs us of our own unique abilities and strengths. It blurs our dreams and kills our creativity.
(Photo courtesy of the author)
When we compare ourselves to others, we end up living a toxic life and are damaging to our self-worth. Your self-confidence takes a huge hit and we often see ourselves as someone who’s not enough. You begin to resent yourself and your lifestyle. Social comparison brings negative energy of envy, jealousy, self-hatred, low self-esteem, and even isolation. Unhealthy social comparison brings feelings of inadequacy. The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we suffer from the negative effects of social comparison and it really doesn’t do us any good when we compare our behind the scenes with everyone’s highlight reel.
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
On the flip side of the coin, social comparison can also turn you into an egocentric. When you compare yourself to others, you find yourself criticising others, putting others down, and thus leading you into a path of over inflated ego, pride and arrogance. We all know someone who always has something bad to say about others behind their backs. Beware of associating yourself with such a person because chances are he/she/they will also talk bad about you behind your back. It’s sad because this person is having the negative effects of social comparison.
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
Social comparison also leads you towards incurring debts. Whenever we try to keep up with the Joneses, we end up being financially irresponsible. By comparing our lifestyle with the Joneses, we end up buying or spending on what other people have that we don’t necessarily need. By doing this, you are opening yourself to being financially vulnerable. You are not earning what the Joneses are earning and we don’t know exactly what goes on inside the Joneses household. Remember this: the tip of our neighbours’ iceberg often looks ideal but we really don’t get to see the whole picture.
Now that we’ve determined the unhealthy causes of social comparison, let us discover and learn the ways to prevent us from doing social comparisons. Here are some healthy and effective ways:
(Photo courtesy of A Lotus in the Mud)
BE YOUR OWN LIFE COACH. It’s expensive to go and pay a professional life coach to help us navigate the difficult times of our lives. If you don’t have the means to go to a professional life coach, finances shouldn’t stop you from being your own life coach. Besides, a life coach will not necessarily solve anything for you. Changing yourself for the better actually requires a huge commitment on your part. You’re the only one capable of changing yourself and your life for the better. You know yourself better than anyone else will. You know your strengths and weaknesses. You know your limits and capabilities. To be your own life coach, start by reading a lot of self help books and there are plenty of online articles that can help you navigate through your difficult times.
(Photo courtesy of the AARC)
WRITE YOUR STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES. Once you’ve done reading self help books and articles, take your time to write your lists of strengths and weaknesses. It is important to start with your weaknesses. By reflecting on your weaknesses, you are identifying the areas where you can improve and learn from. The next step would be to take definite measures on getting rid of your weaknesses. You can take classes, workshops to work on improving your skills and techniques. Don’t be afraid to get help from others. Try to choose a mentor you admire and learn from them.
Next, write down your list of strengths and positives. When you take the time to reflect on your best qualities, you build your confidence and self-esteem. Most importantly, you learn to love and appreciate yourself. Whenever you feel down, look at these lists of positive traits and strengths and soon, you’ll feel much better. Remind yourself of your strengths by writing these on sticky notes and posting them on your fridge and on your bathroom mirror. It’s also not a bad idea to ask people you trust on why they like you, it’s good to hear from others how special you are.
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
KEEP A GRATITUDE JOURNAL. When I wake up every morning, the first thing I say is “Thank you.” I also take time in the day to write what I’m grateful for in my life. I find that keeping a gratitude journal helps me to pay attention to all the good things that I already have in my life. In doing so, I’m increasing my happiness and positive thoughts, improving my physical and psychological health for the better. It also helps strengthen my relationships with my son, my husband and my few closest friends. I find that when I’m grateful, positive things happen in my life. It doesn’t take hours to write what you’re grateful for each day. It’s really just a small mental exercise to make you feel better and upbeat.
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
IDENTIFY WHAT TRIGGERS YOUR SOCIAL COMPARISON AND LEARN TO AVOID THESE. Whenever you catch yourself comparing your life to others, stop and reflect on what triggered these thoughts and emotions. Ask yourself and write down what made you feel this way. Was it something you saw on social media when you scrolled down your feed? Was it something that someone told you? Was it something you saw from your friends or neighbours? Do you feel envious when you see others living their best life? Is there someone in your life who always makes you feel bad about yourself?
When you’ve identified what triggered your unhealthy social comparisons, do yourself a huge favour by avoiding these triggers: limit your time on social media; don’t let what others tell you affect you especially if it’s negative; remind yourself that the things you see on your friends or neighbours are just the edited versions of themselves and not the real pictures; remind yourself of all the positive things you have in your life; and lastly, get rid of that person who constantly makes you feel bad — cut ties with them!
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
LIMIT YOUR TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA. It would be so hypocritical of me if I tell anyone to avoid social media! This is the sign of the times that we live in. Social media is part of our daily lives now — whether we like it or not. You can’t avoid it. The way to embrace social media in our lives is how to view it and use it properly or accordingly. I use social media to read news or current events. Sometimes, news travels faster in social media especially in X (formerly known as Twitter), Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. I go on social media to keep in touch with friends around the globe. I get to know what they’re up to and feel that I’m still a part of their lives. I use social media to share a part of my life to my friends. Again, I don’t share everything about my life. I don’t share my anger, my down moments; I only share what I want to share. And this is the same for everyone. We all filter what we share on social media. We only share what we want others to see.
However, if you feel that scrolling down your feed and looking through others posts make you feel down, then the best thing to do is to limit your exposure on social media. Depending on what phone you have, you can actually set your phone settings and hit “screen time.” Scroll down to “App limits” then choose your app settings to 20-30 minutes a day or every other day. In this way, you can actually spend more physical time with your friends, family, and colleagues and create more meaningful interactions. You eventually learn to appreciate and embrace your reality! Also, you have the power to control what you want to see or not see on social media. You have the power to choose which accounts you want to follow or unfollow! Learn to use social media in a positive way. The healthy way to view social media is by stop seeking validation — never base your worth on how many likes, how many views and comments you get.
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
AVOID ASPIRING TO IDEALISTIC IMAGES. Don’t get sucked in to aspiring to become like these heavily surgically enhanced and filtered influencers. Instead, learn to accept, embrace and love your own body, your own features, and your own life. You can’t be like these influencers because the only best person you can be is yourself. Be comfortable and happy in your own skin. You can’t live others’ lifestyles because the only lifestyle you should be living is your own. You cannot have what is mine and I can’t have what is yours. You can’t be me and I can’t be you. You’re here on this earth to live your own life according to your own terms. It is so easy to believe that these so-called influencers live ideal lives but it is often far from the truth. Live your own life and follow your own path — you’ll be happier in life.
(Photo courtesy of OurMindfulllife.com)
DO NOT BE ENVIOUS OF OTHERS, INSTEAD APPRECIATE THEM. Always remember this: No one has it all. No one lives a perfect life. When we stop comparing our lives to others, we deflect the harmful effects of envy and jealousy. Instead of envying others, try to appreciate and be sincerely happy for them. Remind yourself that a time will come when it’s time for you to shine. Besides, others’ lives seem better and perfect because you are seeing their lives through their “director’s cut” and not their behind the scenes. Instead, know that two humans are completely different from each other — even twins live different lives because they’re two separate individuals. Comparing yourself to others is like insulting nature! If you choose to compete with others, you become bitter whereas if you compete only with yourself, you become better.
(Photo courtesy of Fajar magazine)
ONLY COMPETE WITH YOURSELF. Stay in your lane. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on the areas you need to improve on so you could live an improved version of yourself. Set achievable and specific goals for yourself and put a timeline on these set goals. Competition is all about chasing your own unrealized potential. By competing only with yourself, you will achieve a more meaningful journey of finding out what success really means to you and what are the things you’d like to prioritise in your life. By only competing with yourself, you can work on improving yourself at your own pace; by focusing on your own, you are not bothered at all if others get ahead of you as long as you eventually achieve what you want for yourself later.
(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)
STAY KIND TO YOURSELF. When we compare ourselves to others, we tend to be too harsh on ourselves. Don’t! It is vital that we treat ourselves with kindness and compassion the same way we treat others with kindness and compassion. Being kind to yourself means letting go of what others want you to be and living the best life that you believe in. Spend time on yourself — allow yourself to have precious alone time to pamper yourself and nourish your soul. Be in tune with nature. Go for walks. Eat healthy. Workout! Meditate. You need to love yourself first before you can love others. You need to help yourself first before you can help others. You need to be kind to yourself first before you can be kind to others.
(Photo courtesy of the author)
LIVE YOUR LIFE REALISTICALLY. We all need to live our lives realistically. We cannot compete with others when it comes to our lifestyles. When you see your friend getting married to his or her ideal partner, remember the struggles that your friend went through in finding their lifetime partner. When you acknowledge your friend’s struggles, your envy will be replaced with empathy. Your empathy will help you realise that your own struggles will end and that a better outcome is at the end of your struggle. When you see someone living a lifestyle that you desire, remember that they achieved their own lifestyle through hard work and perseverance. You can admire their lifestyle and use this as an inspiration to better your own life.
To live your life realistically, you have to embrace your life and live it to the fullest. You are your own architect when it comes to designing your life. You have to set realistic and achievable goals to improve your life. You have to be both a visionary and a doer. If you want to turn your life around for the better, you have the power to do so. You can quit smoking. You can stop being in debt. You can look good and feel good. You can have a successful career. You can have harmonious relationships. You can live your life realistically by recognizing that you can never please anyone. You can live your life realistically by going with the ebbs and flows of life. Learn to roll with the punches. Above all, you can live your life realistically by being true to yourself and to your own healthy ideals.
I’ll leave you with something to ponder on: never compare your journey with someone else’s. Your journey is your own path in life and it’s not a competition with others. Focus on your own life and not on other’s lives and you’ll be living your best life!
A grateful creature with a passion for writing.
#MariainVancouver
