Twelve Dates

(Photo supplied by writer)

Love is really what fairy tales are made of. Some women find their happy ending in the first person they meet. Others have to fight a dragon before they meet “The One.” The majority have to kiss a lot of frogs! And Maria in Vancouver? Well… Well, she had to go through memorable dates before Mr. Right found her. Or was it the other way around? The mind reels!

Maria is a single mom of one. She made it a point not to date anyone while she raised her son on her own. In Vancouver, Maria focused on being a single working mother. When her only son turned 19 in 2017, he suggested that Maria should go out and meet people. In other words, her only son politely told her to buzz off and get a life of her own! Folks, that’s what happens when you spend years raising your children and when they’re old enough, they tell you to go get a life. It’s a fact of life the old farts have to live and deal with.

Maria wasted no time in getting a life. She’s still in her prime. She’s still well preserved and thankfully, no jiggly or dangling bits yet! She created profiles on Match, Bumble, and Tinder for wider options. She also joined the Vancouver Social Network. Maria treated dating much like job hunting. She made sure that her dating profiles were professional — mostly current headshots (careful not to show any flesh).

The pièce de résistance was Maria’s dating profile description summary. It read as: “I’m the kind of girl you can take home to your family. I will then get closer to them than you are, and we’ll slowly phase you out. Most likely to laugh at inappropriate times. Least likely to watch comedy movies. Most likely to get lost in my own city and least likely to order a salad on our first date. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I’d immediately seek them out and get myself turned, and quickly work my way up to be the leader of the zombie race. I’ve been low-key preparing for this my whole life. What are you waiting for? Swipe right and you get to date a creature unlike any other! 100% guaranteed memorable date of your life!”

Maria is not your typical serial dater. She’s a cautious dater — she’s extremely picky and she only dated either businessmen or top executives. Holly Golightly had “Breakfast at Tiffany’s “ — Maria had Dinner at Cardero’s. The big difference is that there were no $50 trips to the powder room. Maria is a financially independent career woman and is capable of paying for her own dinners. For her own security and safety, Maria would meet her dates at Cardero’s — an upscale restaurant that is literally across her condo. Maria felt safe because the waiters, bartenders, and chefs knew her. Maria also had an excellent escape plan should her date go awkwardly wrong — she’s allowed to go out through the kitchen door of the restaurant!

Maria soon found out that dating in the 21st century can be cumbersome, awkward, and a nightmare! This just goes to show that you’re not alone! Maria is a living proof that a lot of the time, dating does feel like you’re wasting months and years of your life and just spinning your wheels. Maria has been there and back — she’s had painful and cringe-worthy dates and relationships that she looks back on with regrets. So, in the spirit of being like-minded human beings, Maria has agreed to share her own dating experiences over the last three years before the time of COVID-19.

Date no. 1: Dating Bruce Almighty. Through Match, Maria met Bruce Almighty — a retired 65-year-old businessman from North Vancouver. Bruce Almighty is also a devout Christian and is quite religious. He owned his own home and drove a Mercedes Benz Cabriolet. Their first date was at the lounge area of Cardero’s. They ordered drinks. When the drinks arrived, instead of doing a toast, Bruce Almighty said “grace.” Maria was a little surprised; she’s used to saying “cheers.” For the first time ever in her life, Maria found herself saying “Amen” over a glass of Margarita. Conversation over dinner went well. Bruce Almighty and Maria arranged for a second date. Maria shared her first date experience with her mother. Maria’s mom is devoutly Catholic, stylish, and has incredibly high standards in life. When Maria’s mom saw Bruce Almighty’s photo, her mom exclaimed: “Bruce’s forehead is like a landing strip; he’s balding so his forehead protrudes.” Ugh. Her mother’s remark stuck with Maria like glue. For their second date, Maria chose to meet Bruce Almighty for brunch and at the patio of Cardero’s. In broad daylight, Maria verified her mom’s observation and much to her dismay, her mom’s right! However, it wasn’t the landing strip forehead that turned Maria off about Bruce Almighty. After saying “grace” before brunch, Bruce Almighty casually told Maria: “I was attracted to you because you needed to be rescued. Your dating profile summary is your way of crying out loud! You don’t want to become a zombie; you needed to be saved and be converted to a child of God.” Maria politely thanked Bruce for brunch but declined a third date. Maria told Bruce: “I understand why you want to rescue me, but I don’t want to be rescued. I am capable of rescuing myself and I am already a child of God. I don’t need a man to convert me. The “zombie” part in my profile was just my way of being funny; I’m sorry that you didn’t get my humour.” Maria stood up, shook Bruce Almighty’s hand and decided to go for a walk along the seawall on her own. Maria needed a breath of fresh air. In life, Maria believes that there is love in every religion but when it comes to love — Maria believes that love has no religion — only kindness, respect, and acceptance.

Date no. 2: Three hours with Kermit the Frog. Maria met Kermit through Bumble. He is a 47-year-old CEO and Founder of his own company — a wealth management company. Again, their first dinner date was at Cardero’s bar section. The conversation began with Kermit showing Maria photos of his beloved pet — a piglet! The entire evening was solely devoted to dear little piglet. He even has a home surveillance camera and a baby monitor app so he could check on his dearly beloved piglet if he’s out on dates. As a heads up, he also told Maria that he doesn’t eat pork and he would appreciate it if Maria didn’t order any pork dishes. Dang! Maria loves Cardero’s forno baked BBQ ribs! Towards dessert, Kermit playfully asked Maria if she could guess his beloved piglet’s name. Without thinking, Maria blurted: “Bacon!” You should have seen Kermit’s facial expression — a frightening combination of hatred, shocked, and utter disgust — he looked like he was going to throw up! He leaned over and told Maria: “And I thought you had great potential because you reminded me of my little Miss Piggy!” Kermit stood up and left just like that. Maria was dumbfounded. “Do I look like Miss Piggy to you?” Maria asked their bartender, Matthew. He replied: “Honey, you’re not curvy enough like Miss Piggy, don’t flatter yourself! Here, have another Margarita on the house — you earned it. That was the most painful dinner date conversation I ever had to listen to.” Maria cheered up and gave a toast to her friend, Matthew the Bartender: “Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection. The Lovers, the Dreamers, and me.”

Date no. 3: Maria goes on a golf date! Maria met Leon Forest, an avid golfer through Match. As always, their first date was at Cardero’s. They hit it off right away. Leon Forest is a 55-year-old CEO of a tech company. Leon invited Maria for a second date — golfing at the exclusive University Golf Club inside University of British Columbia. Maria accepted the invitation gladly. Except — Maria doesn’t know how to play golf — she’s absolutely clueless about golf! However, Maria has always been confident and a go-getter! She could do a crash course via YouTube. What could possibly go wrong, right? Well, on the day of their second date, everything went wrong! For starters, instead of golf shoes, Maria wore a peach Salvatore Ferragamo soft ballet flats. Then, there were several occasions when she couldn’t even hit the golf balls — Leon Forest had to assist her most of the time so she could hit the ball! When Maria finally hit the golf balls, the balls went towards the trees. Poor Leon Forest spent most of the time looking for Maria’s balls behind the trees. Not only that, on three separate occasions, Maria accidentally hit Leon Forest behind his bum, his shoulders (nearly missing his head which could have been fatal!), and his calves. Ouch. Before driving Maria home, Leon Forest stopped the car and parked by the Spanish banks overlooking English Bay. Maria looked at Leon and his facial expression said it all: Leon Forest didn’t know what hit him! He was in a daze. Suffice to say, that was the last time Maria ever saw Leon Forest. That day, Maria reminded herself: just be yourself — don’t pretend to be someone else. Maria also accepted two hard facts: she can’t play golf and she can’t drive — and the world is so much safer if Maria is not let loose out on the streets or at the golf course!

Date no. 4: An evening with Mr. Pearly Whites. Maria met Mr. Pearly Whites through Tinder. Again, first date was at Cardero’s dining area. Mr. Pearly Whites is a 66-year-old CEO of an investment firm with offices all over Canada. He’s 6’3” and incredibly hot! What stood out were his baby blue eyes and his beautiful pearly whites. The evening was going really well and they’re both flirting heavily with each other. They both ordered for the BBQ ribs for starters. Mr. Pearly Whites bit on his ribs and voila — his six front teeth all dropped on his appetizer plate! Maria didn’t know where to look. She looked up the ceiling. Then, she looked at her feet. She looked sideways. Everywhere except at Mr. Pearly Whites who scrambled to pick up his veneers off the plate. He looked at Maria and smiled helplessly. Suddenly, Mr. Pearly Whites looked more like Jaws, the James Bond 007 villain. Maria had a panic attack! She pictured herself kissing Mr. Pearly Whites and what would happen if she accidentally swallowed all his veneers? Maria is clumsy. She can’t take such risks. Maria helped Mr. Pearly Whites wipe the BBQ sauce off his veneers. Maria thanked him and she decided not to stay for main course.

Date no. 5: Three dates with Sgt. H2O. Maria had three dates with Sgt. H2O. They met through Bumble. Sgt.H2O is a 57-year-old man in uniform. Their first date was at Cardero’s bar lounge. Sgt. H2O doesn’t drink alcohol, so he ordered for sparkling water. Maria had her Margarita. Their first date went ok. Sgt. H2O asked Maria for a second date and wanted to surprise her. Maria got dressed up to the nines thinking they’d go out for a nice dinner. Imagine her surprise when Sgt. H2O picked her up in a police car. He had one of his officers drive them to the movies. Maria felt like an over dressed criminal riding at the back of the police car — the only thing missing are handcuffs to match her trendy Browns silver stilettos! At the movies, Sgt. H2O bought two bottles of water for them. There were no popcorn or sweets, not even hotdogs! After their movie date, another police car with a different officer picked them up and drove Maria home. For their third date, Sgt. H2O took Maria for a hike at the Grouse grind. It took them 1.5 hours to hike the Grouse grind. It was past lunchtime and Maria was hungry. They sat outside Altitudes Bistro. Sgt. H2O only ordered for 2 bottles of water. Maria’s growling stomach could no longer take it. She called the server’s attention and ordered food. She also asked Sgt. H2O to order but he hesitated. Maria told him that she’d take care of their lunch. Sgt. H2O immediately ordered appetizers and main course. He even ordered a bottle of wine to go with their lunch! That was the last time Maria went out with Sgt. H2O — after all, there’s only so much water you can drink — even for a heavy water drinker like Maria!

Date no. 6: Crappiest date ever! Maria met Mr. Rich Bachelor through Vancouver Social Network. He has salt and pepper hair, 6’4”, and cute dimples. He is a 55-year-old CEO of a mining company. For their first date, they had drinks at Cardero’s. They immediately clicked. There were huge sparks everywhere! Major fireworks. They decided to move on from drinks to dinner. For appetizer, they had champagne with their seafood tower at the hip Bluwater Cafe. For main course, Mr. Rich Bachelor took Maria to the only place to be seen in Vancouver — Giardino. For dessert, they went to have soufflés and port at Le Crocodile. Mr. Rich Bachelor invited Maria for a nightcap at his penthouse in Coal Harbour. Maria normally would never go to her date’s pad on a first date, but Mr. Rich Bachelor and Maria had mutual friends and they’re actually neighbours. On their way to Rich’s penthouse, Maria’s stomach felt queasy and painful. Suddenly, Maria let out a silent but deadly fart. It was a stinking bomb. The windows of Rich’s Porsche were closed because it was cold and raining outside. You can just imagine how smelly it was inside the car. Rich and Maria looked at each other. A flustered Maria said: “You know, that wasn’t me! We must’ve run over a skunk.” Good one, Maria! When they reached Mr. Rich Bachelor’s pad, Maria excused herself and went straight to the bathroom. Just as Maria thought she felt better — disaster struck! Maria flushed the toilet and the water overflowed all over the marble flooring! Maria gasped, “Holy sh*t!” And there were lots of it all over the bathroom floor! Mr. Rich Bachelor ended up calling a plumber and a flood restoration company at midnight! Needless to say, there was no second date for Maria and Mr. Rich Bachelor! That night, Maria confirmed that sh*t really happens in life!

Date no. 7: Heart to heart. Maria had the most distressing experience when she went out on a date with a 69-year-old retiree, Mr. Hart. Their first date at Cardero’s was a success. They went out for a second lunch date and went for a walk along the seawall. On their third date, they had a romantic dinner at Cardero’s again. After dinner, Mr. Hart drove Maria around Stanley Park for a romantic ride. Mr. Hart parked the car and leaned over to give Maria a kiss. Suddenly, Mr. Hart gasped for air and he couldn’t breathe! He told Maria, “Please call 911!” Maria did what she was told. Soon, an ambulance came to the parking lot and was attending to Mr. Hart — on a stretcher — inside the ambulance. The ambulance nurse asked Mr. Hart if he had taken any Viagra, to which Mr. Hart said yes. That’s all Maria needed to hear. She was shell-shocked! Maria made sure that Mr. Hart was okay before she left him for good. As she was leaving, the ambulance nurse joked, “Well, at least you know the impact you have on men; you certainly know how to set their pulse racing!” Maria failed to see the humour in it.

Date no. 8: Dating a Mama’s boy! Maria found herself dating Mr. Guy Young, a 40-year-old CEO of another tech company. Their first date was at Cardero’s for drinks. Guy talked a lot about how he was brought up by a single mom. Maria and Guy clicked. Their second date was dinner at Guy’s pad. Guy introduced Maria to his mom who cooked their dinner for them! It was a pleasant evening and Maria was touched that Guy introduced her to his mom. Maria felt special. On their third date, Guy took Maria to the movies – with his mom. Maria sat in between Guy and his mom. It was totally outlandish! Maria just had a sneak preview of what she might become to her son and his future date. Maria shuddered and decided to cut communications with Mr. Guy Young.

Date no. 9: Not so cheap date! One of Maria’s regular diners at her family’s café asked her out for dinner. Maria agreed to meet Mr. Michael at Cardero’s. He is a 56-year-old businessman who traveled a lot for a living. They had so much fun that evening. Mr. Michael kept ordering drinks for Maria and himself. They ordered for food too. Soon, drinks and food kept coming to their table like there was no tomorrow. They had so much fun; they were one of the last diners at the restaurant. Mr. Michael asked for the bill. He nearly fell off his chair when he saw the bill. It was a four-digit amount. It was the first time Maria saw a man’s face went crimson and dripped with perspiration! Maria offered to pay half of the bill, but the ever-gentleman Mr. Michael refused. Sadly, that was the last time she heard from him.

Date no. 10: Run towards the fire exit. Maria met Mr. Golden Showers through Tinder. Their first date was drinks at Cardero’s bar lounge. Mr. Golden Showers is a 68-year-old EVP of another mining company. Immediately, Maria felt uncomfortable with Mr. Golden Showers. He was all over Maria. He was touchy-feely. Matthew, the bartender texted Maria if she was ok. Maria texted back, “I’m not fine, thanks.” Suddenly, Mr. Golden Showers whispered to Maria, “Let’s get out of here, I’d like you to pee all over me.” Maria excused herself. The General Manager helped Maria ran towards Cardero’s fire exit door! Maria turned into Speedy Gonzales! Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!

Date no. 11: A year with Mr. B. Maria met Mr. B — a 63-year-old corporate lawyer through Match. Their first date at Cardero’s turned into a year of dating from summer of 2017 to the summer of 2018. Maria fell for Mr. B, but he was a commitment-phobic. Even after a year of dating, he refused to take down his dating profiles. Also, Maria noticed that it was always her who paid for their dinner dates. The final straw was when Mr. B went for a vacation to Colombia with a male buddy. When Mr. B returned to Vancouver, Maria accidentally saw photos of Mr. B with Colombian women in compromising positions. Maria ghosted Mr. B. and blocked him from her phone for good.

Date no. 12: Saving the best for last! Maria met her current Significant Other — Ironman — through a mutual friend. Ironman came highly recommended by a good friend of Maria’s. For their first date on September 8, 2018, Maria decided to have dinner at a different venue. Instead of Cardero’s, they had dinner at Lift. Ironman pursued and courted Maria for four months. On the fifth month, Ironman and Maria became a couple officially. Maria fell in love with the way Ironman loves her. They dated each other exclusively for a year. On their first anniversary as a couple, they took their relationship to the next level. They’ve now been together 24/7 for another whole year and recently celebrated their second anniversary. Maria and Ironman have been through ups and downs, challenges, and trials over the last two years. Being together 24/7 during the pandemic lockdown, brought Ironman and Maria closer than ever. In life, you really do save the best for last!

Waiting is a sign of true love and patience. Anyone can say “I love you,” but not everyone can wait and prove it’s true. True love is about growing as a couple; learning about each other, and not giving up on each other. Everything happens for a reason and for its best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you try again.