{"id":22934,"date":"2014-08-21T10:05:08","date_gmt":"2014-08-21T02:05:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/canadianinquirer.net\/v1\/?p=22934"},"modified":"2014-08-20T03:07:29","modified_gmt":"2014-08-19T19:07:29","slug":"learning-how-to-make-friends-critical-for-lifelong-happiness-health","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/canadianinquirer.net\/v1\/2014\/08\/21\/learning-how-to-make-friends-critical-for-lifelong-happiness-health\/","title":{"rendered":"Learning how to make friends critical for lifelong happiness, health"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"shutterstock_147381554<\/a><\/p>\n

TORONTO\u2014It\u2019s an undisputed fact: People with friends live happier, healthier and richer lives.<\/p>\n

Studies have shown good friendships convey a range of health benefits, with positive effects on mental and physical health and longevity. So learning how to make friends is a critical skill.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not one that comes easily to everyone. Some lucky people seem to find forging new friendships is as easy as falling off a log. Many others, though, find themselves watching from the sidelines trying to puzzle out how to ease their way into this friend-making activity that appears to be going on all around them.<\/p>\n

Most people aged four to 21 or so are about to hit the annual reset button\u2014the clean slate offered by starting or going back to kindergarten, school or university. What better time to be thinking about how to help kids learn how to make friends?<\/p>\n

Here are some pointers from Tracy Vaillancourt, a professor of education and psychology at the University of Ottawa, and Barry Schneider, a child psychologist and professor at Boston College:<\/p>\n

The first \u2018R\u2019 of education<\/h6>\n

Vaillancourt believes more focus should be put on helping children learn how to forge friendships and interact in a positive way with others.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think it\u2019s the most important lesson in life. I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything more important,\u201d she insists. \u201cSocial skills get people so far in life. And so having good social skills is attached to having friends.\u201d<\/p>\n

While the onus falls on parents to help children learn these skills, schools can and should play a major role, Vaillancourt says.<\/p>\n

\u201cTeachers are very focused on reading, writing and arithmetic when they should really be focused on relationships. That should be the first \u2018R\u2019 of education.\u201d<\/p>\n

She advises parents of children who are having trouble making friends to enlist the assistance of their schools.<\/p>\n

Teachers can help children make connections by pairing shy kids together for a work assignment and keeping an eye on quiet or disruptive children to make sure they aren\u2019t getting left out. Where shy kids often don\u2019t draw people to them, aggressive kids tend to push them away with their behaviour.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think that teachers need to help facilitate that social landscape of their classroom,\u201d Vaillancourt says. \u201cThe teacher is a powerful ally and can create social alliances and destroy them quite readily.\u201d<\/p>\n

Find the middle ground<\/h6>\n

Schneider advises that parents avoid a couple of approaches he calls the marionette model and the Charles Darwin model of interpersonal skills development for children.<\/p>\n

The marionette approach involves parents being over-controlling, essentially trying to teach children how to be sociable by rote. Parents who take the Charles Darwin approach are under-involved, he suggests, assuming that kids will be kids and things will evolve naturally.<\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t use the term, but the approach Schneider advocates might be called the Goldilocks solution, an approach that nestles somewhere between trying to control every aspect of a child\u2019s social life and taking a hands-off approach.<\/p>\n

With younger children early in the friend-making stages, Schneider says parents need to make opportunities for children to meet and interact with others.<\/p>\n

Set up play dates and enrol kids in desirable activities\u2014something they will enjoy that involves other children. Maybe that\u2019s ballet lessons or soccer. Whatever it is, it should be something the child enjoys and an activity that isn\u2019t too competitive, he says.<\/p>\n

Schneider also suggests parents should show children what friendships are like by talking about their own so that kids understand that it\u2019s important to have connections with a wider circle than simply one\u2019s family. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives, so if parents value friendships, children probably will too.<\/p>\n

Having conversations about aspects of friendship is also helpful, he says. For example, a parent could ask how a playmate might feel if the child won\u2019t share toys or demands to make all decisions about what games will be played.<\/p>\n

Practice makes perfect<\/h6>\n

Vaillancourt says parents should understand that learning how to make and maintain friendships is a skill that can be acquired, but it might take some work.<\/p>\n

Some parents may feel the impulse to shield children who are shy or are having trouble fitting in by picking them up at school so they don\u2019t have to endure a dreaded bus ride, for instance. That actually can further isolate children from their peers, Vaillancourt says, suggesting that making friends is like any other skill\u2014the more you do it, the better at it you become.<\/p>\n

Birds of a feather<\/h6>\n

Sometimes kids who have been socially isolated in elementary school have more success when they start high school, Vaillancourt says.<\/p>\n

High schools generally have larger student populations, increasing the chances that a kid who doesn\u2019t like sports but is passionate about chess will find a kindred spirit. The clubs and sports activities that form in high schools are often not available in elementary schools.<\/p>\n

This birds-of-a-feather phenomenon can really help children who\u2019ve had trouble making friends, she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cSolid friendships tend to be based on similar interests and ideologies. So finding people that are like you, you\u2019re probably going to be more successful. If you\u2019re painfully shy and your best friend is just out there (extroverted), I think that could be a bit of a challenge over time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Vaillancourt says studies have shown that children who are shy form strong friendship bonds with others like them, and they report high satisfaction from those ties.<\/p>\n

\u201cTheir friendship groups tend to be stable. Because they\u2019re not these outrageous kids looking for the next interesting thing, right? They\u2019re true and loyal,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

If it\u2019s not working, get help<\/h6>\n

Learning how to make friends is easier if you start early, Vaillancourt says.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you don\u2019t make friends early, you don\u2019t learn the scripts. And the social scripts change all the time. It\u2019s a developmental trajectory. How you make friends in kindergarten is so different from how you make friends when you\u2019re 10 or when you\u2019re 15,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you can\u2019t figure out the fundamentals at five, you\u2019re going to have a really hard time to figure out the fundamentals at 15, because they\u2019re more nuanced and more complex.\u201d<\/p>\n

Schneider says transition periods are hard, so give a child some time to get settled. But if by November of a school year it\u2019s apparent things aren\u2019t working well, it may be time to get some help.<\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t have to be a psychologist right off the bat, he says. School guidance counsellors, family doctors or a skilled member of the clergy, if a family has religious ties, can sometimes help.<\/p>\n

Whatever approach a family takes, it\u2019s important not to let the problem fester, Vaillancourt says. \u201cWe can\u2019t ignore this. And kids report that. What they want more than anything is to belong.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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