{"id":2164,"date":"2014-02-14T06:42:38","date_gmt":"2014-02-13T22:42:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/66.147.244.209\/~canadiu3\/?p=2164"},"modified":"2014-04-05T19:45:59","modified_gmt":"2014-04-05T11:45:59","slug":"love-yourself-you-are-worth-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/canadianinquirer.net\/v1\/2014\/02\/14\/love-yourself-you-are-worth-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Love yourself! You are worth it!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"shutterstock_134246810\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There is a song I remember vividly from my youth. It is tragic, not only because it reveals my age, but also because it is a microcosm of the world as it is \u2013 pretty much. The first verse alone is enough to make you want to go in search of a reasonably high building and a ledge on that reasonably high building; even if only in your mind: I learned the truth at seventeen\/ That love was meant for beauty queens \/ And high school girls with clear skinned smiles \/ Who married young and then retired \/ The valentines I never knew \/ The Friday night charades of youth \/ Were spent on one more beautiful \/ At seventeen I learned the truth…<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAt Seventeen,\u201d by Janis Ian, is as haunting lyrically as it is melodically; her melancholic voice inducing a tragic-romantic reverie akin to a depressed stupor, to the last strains of the last lyric. Sadly, it is descriptive of a harsh socio-cultural-emotional reality that is as true today as it was way-back-when. Although admittedly tempered by a more liberated sense of femininity and womanhood, the bottom-line remains: the beautiful generally live a charmed life with a special someone; while the un-beautiful generally \u2013 well \u2013 do not. Theirs is stereotypically the life of the awkward, wallflower loner.<\/p>\n

There is, perhaps, no reminder more poignant of this than Valentine\u2019s Day.<\/p>\n

Beyond roses<\/h6>\n

Flashback some years ago, to a day in life that brought this point home in a way that hurt \u2013 and angered \u2013 my mother\u2019s heart: Valentine\u2019s Day 2011. My daughter was in 5th grade, and she came home, visibly upset, but doing her best not to let on. A bit of prodding and a big hug later, the beans came spilling out: \u201cWhy did some girls get roses, and I didn\u2019t, Mama? The school sold roses today, and some of us didn\u2019t get any\u2026\u201d Now mind you, my daughter is gorgeous by any standard (not just by the \u201cI\u2019m her mother, and she\u2019s gorgeous in MY eyes\u201d standard), but she is the type who purposely avoids being one of the \u201cpopulars.\u201d She is quite the anti-\u201cIT-girl,\u201d and honestly, her Dad and I wouldn\u2019t have it any other way. Being able to stand up to peer-pressure; being more concerned with substance of character than mere outward beauty \u2013 these are qualities most parents seek to instill in their children. This, as far as we see it, is the way to go.<\/p>\n

But not in the world\u2019s eyes. The world seems to reward the superficial and the shallow. The world seems smitten by the popular.<\/p>\n

After getting over my annoyance that the school had thought it a \u201cgood idea\u201d to encourage \u201cromantic rose-giving\u201d among young school graders, I quickly re-assured my daughter of what she already knew, but momentarily became insecure of: that her beauty goes beyond being gifted with roses. Way, way beyond.<\/p>\n

Aaah, those 3 special words: I love ME!<\/h6>\n

What to do, if you don\u2019t receive roses? Are alone on Valentine\u2019s Day? Fall short of the \u201cpopular\u201d mark?<\/p>\n

Do we wallow in self-pity? Suffer the blues in a peculiar shade of lace-trimmed red, white and pink? Shoot a certain cherub with a crossbow, as a heart-eating zombie with no worthwhile purpose in life?<\/p>\n

No!<\/p>\n

We embrace our alone-ness.<\/p>\n

We find our own beauty and self-worth.<\/p>\n

We love who we are.<\/p>\n

And we spoil ourselves silly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI LOVE ME!\u201d The words may seem alien to you, and may take a while to roll off your tongue, but say them out loud; with feeling! We all too often speak negative words about ourselves, that we believe our own negativity and become our own biggest critics: \u201cI\u2019m so fat,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not good enough,\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll never make it,\u201d \u201cI look awful,\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll never be happy,\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll never get that job \/ be rich\/ be successful,\u201d are among the top ego-smashers we tell ourselves.<\/p>\n

We need to change all that and be our own biggest fan and learn to love \u2013 and cheer for \u2013 ourselves.<\/p>\n

Goodbye, knight in shining armour<\/h6>\n

Hours are wasted, pining away for love; waiting to be loved; keeping our fingers crossed for love to find us. Like a princess holding out for a knight in shining armour, yearning for that special love; meanwhile feeling empty, lost and incomplete without it. On that note, it is funny that most literature with which we grow up conditions little girls to passively wait for the knight, while little boys are trained to be pro-active in the search and throw grand parties and balls to that end. Thankfully, this is slowly changing, as long-held stereotypes are questioned and destroyed.<\/p>\n

We wait, empty and yearning for someone to fill the void. Some wait \u2018til they\u2019re blue in the face or the cows come home, whichever comes first; while others wait in vain \u2013 because that\u2019s not usually how life works.<\/p>\n

To be loved, we must first have love to give. And this starts with loving yourself.<\/p>\n

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me<\/h6>\n

Loving yourself is mainly having self-respect, and this is the first step to creating love in your own life to share with others. When you expect love from an outside source, and someone or something does not fulfill this expectation, this makes you feel worse than before, in a vicious cycle that only loving and respecting yourself can break. Understanding the effects of loving yourself will heighten your ability to love others.<\/p>\n

To be loved, you must first have a healthy love and respect for yourself, as much as you do others \u2013 if not more so.<\/p>\n

Healthy self-respect can be cultivated by changing your self-view and your self-talk. Easier said than done, admittedly, but well-worth the effort. Don\u2019t be afraid to seek out help for issues you feel you cannot change on your own: enlist the services of a counselor, life coach or therapist where needed.<\/p>\n

In this same vein, we must also learn to take responsibility for ourselves, and stop relying on others to float our boat.<\/p>\n

No more self-abandonment<\/h6>\n

But don\u2019t take my word for it; I am, after all, no expert on the matter.<\/p>\n

Best \u2013selling author and relationship expert (and YES, she has appeared on Oprah) Margaret Paul has this to say about it: \u201cExpecting others to make you feel loved while you are abandoning yourself will never lead to feeling loved and lovable. When you learn to take responsibility for yourself emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, organizationally and relationally, then you will feel loved and lovable. Taking responsibility for loving yourself fills your heart with love, which you can then share with others. Sharing love is the most fulfilling experience in life, but you need to be filled with love in order to have love to share. Learning to love yourself is what fills you with love.\u201d<\/p>\n

In an article on huffingtonpost.com Dr. Paul shares 9 ways to love yourself, which begins with loving \u2013 as opposed to abandoning \u2013 your inner child:<\/p>\n

1. Listen within to your own feelings<\/strong>. Tune in to how YOU feel. Do not allow your inner child to feel rejected, abandoned and unloved by you.<\/p>\n

2. Be compassionate with your feelings<\/strong>. Do not judge your feelings, telling yourself you are wrong for having them. Be kind, gentle, tender, understanding and accepting of your feelings, then your inner child will feel loved by you.<\/p>\n

3. Open to learning about what your feelings are telling you<\/strong>. Much as an actual child feels loved when you are compassionately interested in why he or she is hurting, your inner child will feel loved when you explore what your feelings are telling you. Learn from your feelings. Painful feelings, for instance, may be telling you that you are abandoning yourself, or that someone is being unloving to you, or that a situation is not good for you. Attend to your feelings with compassion, learn what they are telling you, and then take action to fix the situation. These will make you feel loved.<\/p>\n

4. Create a solid connection with a spiritual source of love, wisdom and comfort<\/strong>. Love is not a feeling generated by our mind. It comes from the heart when our heart is open to our source of love. Open yourself to learning with your higher power about loving yourself and others, and love will flow into your heart.<\/p>\n

5. Choose to be around loving people<\/strong>. In your personal relationships (because you don\u2019t always have a choice in work relationships), choose to be around caring, supportive and accepting people will make you feel loved.<\/p>\n

6. Take loving actions for yourself around others<\/strong>. Speak up for yourself and do not allow others to treat you badly. Disengage from interacting with those who treat you badly. Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving.<\/p>\n

7. Take care of your body, your time, your space and your finances<\/strong>. You will feel loved and lovable when you feed yourself healthy food, and get exercise and adequate sleep. Do not ignore your health; doing so sends a message that you are not worth loving. Respect your own and others’ time and space; this lets you know that you are worth it. Do not overspend and put yourself in unnecessary debt, this makes your inner child feel anxious and insecure about life.<\/p>\n

8. Find work you love<\/strong>. Since work takes up a big chunk of your life, find or create work that fulfills you. This is vitally important. You need to know that you are worth the effort it takes to create a sense of fulfillment in your life.<\/p>\n

9. Create balance<\/strong>. All work and no play, or all play and no work, creates inner anxiety rather than inner peace. We need balance in our life to feel loved and lovable. Rest and rejuvenate. We must nurture our body and soul through activities that bring us joy.<\/p>\n

Alone, but NOT lonely<\/h6>\n

If Valentine\u2019s Day rolls around and you find yourself alone, or you find yourself sans a bouquet of roses, do not despair. Instead, take a step towards loving yourself. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to your day of shopping. Curl up and read that good book for which you never seem to have time. Or, find a friend and paint the town your own shade of red.<\/p>\n

You are worth it!<\/p>\n

Turn your situation around and resolve to love yourself; for even tragically depressing songs remind us that \u201cIt isn’t all it seems at seventeen…\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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