We Are The Circle We Choose

There is a famous Japanese proverb that rings so true in our lives: “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” In other words, show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are. The people we associate with reveal aspects of our own personality, self-worth, and value. Our chosen friends can influence and shape our actions, the choices we make, and our respective attitudes. Surrounding ourselves with good people will lead us to be better in our lives, whilst when we choose to surround ourselves with bad people, it may lead our lives to negative outcomes and consequences.

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Personally, I’m extremely careful about my inner circle. In my carefully chosen small circle of Sisterhood Tribe (which includes me and 6 of the most beautiful women with equally beautiful characters and uplifting personalities) — we don’t look down on each other. We cheer for one another, we share our struggles with each other, and we love to celebrate each other’s successes and milestones, even the smallest victories together. That daily support makes all the difference in our Sisterhood Tribe’s lives. I am extremely grateful and fortunate to have these 6 amazing women as my support system in my life.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to choose your inner circle wisely. A smaller, well-chosen circle gives you peaceful days, a clear mind, a happy heart, and a more private life. Cut ties with those who exhaust you emotionally. Cut ties with those who drain you with their negative energy. Cut ties with those who dampen your feelings with their drama. Cut ties with those who restrict your rights with their own small ways of thinking (even as petty as criticizing your post on social media to others behind your back, because they lack the courage to tell it to your face is so not cool). When you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around someone, it’s a sign that you don’t have a healthy friendship or relationship with that someone.  When you don’t feel free to be your authentic self with someone, then cut ties with them.

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Yes, cut ties with those who say negative things behind your back — this is the number one dealbreaker for me — backstabbers. You should never allow these “snakes” in your life. You deserve to be surrounded by good, honest, and positive people. Cutting ties is not always about hate. It often means growth because some people no longer belong in the chapter you’re writing. Walking away from those who are no longer the right fit in your life is not a weakness — it’s a sign of having the highest level of self awareness.

And personally for me, when I cut ties, I really cut ties because I’m the type who is not afraid to be alone or on my own. I’m not afraid to cut ties with those who backstabbed me and betrayed me. I’m comfortable being alone and on my own because I’ve always been independent. I also do not believe in giving second chances, because these types of people will hurt you again because they will never change. Backstabbing is already ingrained in their character. Instead, we always move onwards, never backwards or sideways, only onwards! Such is life.

Here are some ways on how to choose your inner circle wisely:

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AVOID TOXIC NARCISSISTS. Toxic narcissists are basically energy vampires disguised as humans. They will latch onto you like leeches and drain your energy with their constant thirst for drama and negativity until you feel so depleted and emotionally exhausted. They are experts when it comes to passive aggression tactics. They will always make you feel inferior when you’re around them. A fine example is when they give you backhanded compliments such as: “You look beautiful today! See what happens when you take time to pay attention to your appearance?” Or something to this effect: “They’re only friends with you because of your beautiful home and your connections.”

Also, a toxic narcissist doesn’t apologize for doing wrong; instead, the toxic narcissist will blame us for how we react to their disrespect. For example: “Oh, I didn’t mean what I texted to our mutual friend. I’m not saying things behind your back, I was just trying to protect you.” Lol. When you have proof of the actual nasty things they said about you via text they sent to another person behind your back. SMH. A toxic narcissist’s response to an argument is to continue to deny after you told them that the betrayal they did to you behind your back crossed the line and to think you even backed it up with proof! Having an opinion is okay. Disagreeing is okay too. What’s not okay is tearing someone down behind their back just because they see things differently. Respect should never go out of style, especially amongst so-called “friends.”

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DO A THOROUGH SELF ASSESSMENT. Before you choose your inner circle, I highly recommend that you do a thorough self assessment. Understand your needs, your personal goals, what your true values are, and what type of influence and support you need in your life. You also need to do an audit on your current relationships and friendships. Take a closer look at the people you surround yourself with. Do they share the same values as you in life? Do you share common interests? Are they kind? Are they genuine? Are they positive individuals? How do they treat others? Will they add to your life or subtract from your life?

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CHOOSE FRIENDS WITH HIGH INTEGRITY AND TRUSTWORTHINESS. Carefully choose friends who you are vulnerable to but knowing full well that your secrets will stay within your inner circle, and they will act in your best interests. To choose friends you can trust, observe their behavior, especially in different situations and with other people, to gauge their reliability, empathy, and loyalty.

Look for friends who are supportive, communicate well, build you up, and respect your boundaries. Building trust takes time and mutual vulnerability, so invest in relationships that feel like a two-way street where both individuals show up for each other, even during difficult times. Trustworthy friends stand by you through challenges, not just when things are easy, and show up when you need them most.

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SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. The people around you should shape the life you lead. Surround yourself with those who inspire, uplift, and care. When everyone thrives together, success feels bigger and happiness feels deeper. Seek out “victors” who are striving for more, setting big goals, and taking responsibility for their actions.

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AVOID PEOPLE WITH SMALL MINDSETS. Upgrade your circle by getting rid of those who just thrive on gossip, drama, and negative energy. Small-minded people talk about other people, mostly behind their backs. Remember this: What Susan says of Annie says more about Susan than about Annie. Fill your conversations with ideas and inspiration, not gossip and negativity.

That’s how growth happens.

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CHOOSE FRIENDS WITH DIFFERENT BUT VALUABLE SKILLS. Not everyone is created similarly. We’re all unique individuals. Seek friends who will bring different perspectives to your life, even if they are different from your own. In this way, you all grow stronger together by learning from each other’s experiences, points of view, and perspectives.

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CHOOSE FRIENDS WITH GENUINE EMPATHY AND WHO ARE TRUE TO YOU. Only surround yourself with people who are true to you, genuinely care for you, who will protect your name in your absence, who will love and support you unconditionally, and those who will cheer you through difficult times. Avoid fair weather friends.

Now that you’ve chosen your inner circle wisely, you have to continually nurture your inner circle by fostering harmony and peace at all times while maintaining clear boundaries by focusing and concentrating on your inner core and inner wellbeing and still setting appropriate boundaries within your circle. I will leave you with this beautiful thought: A soul sister is a friend who listens with her heart, understands with her mind, and accepts you just the way you are.