What It Truly Means To Be A Dad

The month of June is about celebrating our Dads and our father figures in our lives. Personally, I truly believe that being a father means you’re always there for your kids no matter what, and not just on Father’s Day. To be a real father, you have to be a RESPONSIBLE parent from day one, no matter if you are separated from each other. A real father doesn’t just show up out of the blue and only when it’s convenient for him — excuse me, where were you when your child was sick and needed help? There really is no excuse, especially if a father is granted access at all times to see and spend time with his child. And how many times did a mother have to ask for a small support during the times the child was sick, only to be refused each time? Not even a single cent all those years when a child truly needed it. 

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With that in mind, during  Father’s Day, we must also pay homage to all single moms! A Father’s Day Tribute to all the single mothers who became both hammers and the hugs, the courage and comfort, who cried buckets of tears silently, so their children wouldn’t be affected. You show up every day for your kid(s). You made it work with all you’ve got. And in doing so, you become someone’s strength, fulfilling the roles of both a father and a mother. I could totally relate. For the longest time, I was my only son’s father and mother. I raised him on my own financially and emotionally.

What does it mean to be a real dad? I’m going to answer this question from the point of view of a woman who has never had a father figure from day one and as a mother who had to single-handedly raise her own son on her own with no spousal/child support. As a woman who grew up without a father, I always imagined my father to be someone who was a strong provider, responsible and a protector for his family. I imagined my father being someone who is a positive motivating force and a role model for his children. I imagined my father to be both loving and kind. But I also imagined him as a disciplinarian. Physically, I imagined my father to have the same appearance and build as the late Senator Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino. 

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As a single working mother of one child for over 21 years, it didn’t take long for me to realize that what I had imagined a father’s role would be in his children is actually quite different in reality, because it is such a difficult task to be a father. Just as difficult as a mother’s role is for her children. In fact, being a parent as a whole is a tough job. Imagine being both a father and a mother to your child or children — it’s quite a Herculean task. At least that’s what I experienced as a single working mother. 

It wasn’t easy being a father to my son. I remember trying to teach my son how to shave at age 13 — I had to Google for instructions on how to shave as a man. While I had no difficulty teaching my son about the importance of kindness, having respect, having good manners and having discipline, I still couldn’t directly teach my son about the many nuances of male friendships, the complexities of romantic relationships with women or men, navigating the pressures and expectations specific to being a man in society, and lastly for me, I found it difficult to teach my son certain sports. 

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I tried my best to be a good parent to my son, most especially during the challenging years — from ages 9 to 17. I’m so grateful and blessed that my son never really gave me any headaches or problems. I just wished I knew then what I know now. In so many ways, I wish I had been a better and more experienced, more knowledgeable parent. I wish I had been more emotionally available to my son. I regret the times when I behaved towards my son the way my own mother behaved towards me, especially when I was mad at my son for the things he did which I didn’t approve of. However, I’m not putting any blame on my own mother because she was probably raising me and my siblings the way she knew what she was supposed to do as a mother then — it’s a vicious cycle, I tell you. Besides, I’m a firm believer that, when it comes to life’s highway, never blame others for the road you’re on, because that’s your own asphalt! 

Thankfully, my son and I are older now, and we are both in a better place now as mother and son. Thankfully, my son and I were able to open up with each other and talk about our differences in the past. Thankfully, my son and I have open communication with each other. When I asked my son what I was as a mother when he was growing up, he replied: “You weren’t bad, but you weren’t the best either. I’d say you were good because I get it, it’s tough to raise a son on your own. You’re a lousy dad, but you’re a good mom!”

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When my son and I had our heart-to-heart talk in 2019, I apologized to him for not being able to give him what he wanted and needed. I apologized for being angry at him at times. I apologized to him for not being able to understand him as I didn’t have the capacity to do so at that time. I apologized to him for the so many unhealed parts of me that caused him hurt and mental issues while growing up, as I was raising him while I was going through unresolved traumas, struggles as a single parent, worries, pain, and fears. I apologized to him if I wasn’t able to teach him certain skills as nobody taught me certain skills. I apologized for not being able to break the bad parenting cycle for him because I was following certain cultural norms I was surrounded by. During our heart-to-heart talk that night in 2019, I told him that I’m so proud of him and that I love him with all my heart and soul. 

Because I had firsthand experience of what it truly means to be a dad to my son, I will share  the different ways of what I was like as a “father” to my son:

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PROVIDING PROTECTION AND SAFETY AT ALL TIMES. I made sure that my son felt protected and safe with me. I made sure I gave him a comfortable roof over his head. Ever since he was born, I have made sure we lived in the best neighbourhoods. I made sure he was never left alone on his own. For the first 8 years of his life, we had a lived-in nanny to look after him while I went to work. When we moved to Vancouver for good, when he turned 9, I never went out anywhere without him except when I went to work, but he was in a group childcare up until he was 12 after school hours and I picked him up after work. 

PROVIDING AND CONTRIBUTING. I worked hard and made sure my son was well provided for. I was financially independent and was solely responsible for my son — I had no spousal/child support. Regardless, I made sure all of my son’s basic needs were duly met and fulfilled. He was not spoiled, but he always had nice homes in the best neighbourhoods, nice clothes, and he went to good schools. 

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GUIDANCE AND TEACHING. During my son’s formative years (from birth to age 9), I guided him in developing his essential life skills, instilling moral values, and helping him understand the world he lives in. Even though we had a live-in nanny, still, I made sure I was home to read him bedtime stories, and I made sure I was home to go through his homework with him. I taught him household chores. In Vancouver, I made sure that he had routine chores at home. As an adolescent, I talked to him about the importance of safe sex and even bought him boxes of condoms. 

NURTURING AND SUPPORT. As a mother, it comes naturally to be nurturing and supportive. I am proud to say that I was always present at my son’s school plays, events, and above all at every graduation (from nursery to university)! I was there for my son during his sick days, during his downtime and during his achievements. 

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PROVIDING DISCIPLINE AND BOUNDARIES. I helped my son learn right from wrong, taught him how to manage his behaviours, and set healthy boundaries throughout his life. I taught him about the consequences of the choices he makes. As a single parent, I found it difficult to be a disciplinarian and, at the same time, nurturing. It was indeed a tricky balancing act. 

LIFETIME COMMITMENT. From the moment I felt him inside my tummy to conceiving him, to raising him as a young boy, to raising him as a young man to his adulthood — I am there for him. I never gave him up, and I never gave up on him. I am here for him until my last breath. 

Raising my son on my own taught me that my job as a parent is not to be a perfect parent but to be a real parent to my son. I did the best I could with what I knew and had. My job as a parent is to keep trying to do my best and to find mercy for myself whenever I mess up. I am a human first and foremost who is still healing from her past traumas.