What It Truly Means To Be A Mom

The merry month of May is all about celebrating Motherhood. It’s a time to honour the brave, selfless women who gave birth and raised another human being or human beings. It’s a lifetime journey of unconditional love, care, generosity, and also a journey marked by challenges and hits and misses. The entire motherhood experience can be anything from blissful joy to a daunting and exhausting experience from the so many demands that come with this job (yes, motherhood is an occupation too). It’s not an easy task to raise another human being. It’s really not for everyone.

There are different types of motherhood. There’s biological, there’s through adoption, and there’s stepmotherhood. The key aspects of motherhood are both biological and emotional: it begins in a woman’s womb. She carries this little baby (or babies) inside her for the next nine months while undergoing different body, hormonal and emotional changes. And then, of course, the childbirth stage where a woman experiences what it’s really like to give birth to another human being. Motherhood means our children should always come first. We are expected to be selfless, nurturing, and dedicate ourselves to our children no matter the sacrifices. Motherhood is all about giving our children guidance, discipline, and having the strength to allow them to be themselves. 

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Motherhood is a journey that I am most grateful to have experienced in my entire life. I truly enjoyed my pregnancy stage. I took good care of myself during pregnancy. I ate well, I walked a lot, I slept well and made sure I was happy throughout my pregnancy. My only child, a son, was born prematurely. He came out exactly 8 months into my pregnancy. I refused to have an epidural, so I was able to experience the pain of giving birth naturally. My son was in an incubator for two weeks before I could take him home. In the Philippines, we’re allowed three months’ leave before you return to work, so I was hands-on with my son for the first three months. But after three months of giving birth, I had to return to work, so I hired a live-in nanny. I had to go through five different nannies before I found the right one who stayed with us for 7 years. I was a single mom from the time my son was 2-years-old, so I ended up being my son’s father as well. I juggled parenthood and a career as a single mom for 21 years! 

In 2006, when my son was 8-years-old, I decided to leave him to work in Dubai in order for me to earn more money so that I could give him a better life and a better future. While in Dubai, I realized how much I missed my son, and it hit me that I was doing to my only son the exact same thing that I went through as a young child — without a mom — which was the last thing I wanted for my son (to go through what I experienced as a child; I was raised by my maternal grandparents in the Philippines for the first 12 years because our mom was living and working in Canada). After just three months of being separated from my son, I returned to Manila and I promised my son that I would never leave him again on his own. Those three months away from my son were the toughest and most difficult months of my life. 

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It was also during this time that I realized I needed to spend more time with my son and not just end up as his financial provider. After my Dubai stint, I realized that I was taking on the role of an absentee father to my son because I had to work long hours to earn more money to provide for my son, thus leaving him alone and under the care of his nanny, who became his second mother. I ended up feeling resentful of the fact that I can’t be a mother to my son. I wished that I was his nanny so that I could  spend precious moments with my son (I was even jealous of my nanny for being with my son more than I was with my son). That realization hit me hard. In 2007, I decided to move back to Vancouver with my son for good and in the hopes of giving my son a better life. It was the best decision I ever made for myself and, above all, for my son. 

In Vancouver, my son and I spent more time together — I was able to live a balanced lifestyle while taking home a higher salary and excellent benefits. In Vancouver, I was able to give my son a better quality of life. In Vancouver, I was able to send my son to good schools. In Vancouver, I was able to be both a father and a mother to my son. It was just me and my son for the next 12 years, from 2007 to 2019 (I moved in with my partner in 2019, thus my son started living on his own independently at the age of 21). Honestly, our best years as mother and son were in Vancouver. 

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As a single mom, I wished that there was an instruction manual that came with single motherhood. I wasn’t a perfect mom to my son — I couldn’t travel with him to other places or countries; there were no trips to Disneyland; I couldn’t teach him sports like what most fathers would do to their sons. But, I made sure I was there for him at every graduation from nursery to kindergarten, to his grade 7 graduation, to his grade 12 graduation and finally, when he graduated from university. As a single working mom, I wish I had done some things differently with my son when he was growing up. At 15, I made sure he worked part-time during weekends because I wanted him to know and learn that without work, he wouldn’t be able to have money to spend. My son knew how tough it was for me to provide for him as a single working mom. At 15, I talked to my son about the importance of safe sex and I would even make sure that there was always a box of condoms in his bedroom. 

It was surely tricky when he was between the ages of 17 and 19. My son was just starting his first year at university, but he really didn’t know what he wanted to pursue in university. Those were my son’s two most challenging years; he was going through his so-called “experimenting” stage; I called it his rebellious stage. In 2018, he took time off from university and, instead, he worked with me in our restaurant business as a dishwasher, but this was also the time when my son was so lost, lonely, depressed and miserable. 

A month after we closed the restaurant, I remember it was one evening in late November 2019, when my son and I sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk. That was the first time my son opened up to me and talked to me about what he was going through. I appreciated his transparency and his honesty. I listened to him without judgment, and I was so grateful that he trusted me with his feelings. I learned a lot about my son during that heart-to-heart talk we had. Suddenly, I’m no longer talking to my little boy. I found myself listening to a 21-year-old young man who was trying to figure out life for himself. 

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During that talk and after hearing more about how he was feeling at that time, I told my son this: I’m sorry that I didn’t give him everything that he needed or wanted. I’m so sorry that I was angry at him at times. I’m so sorry for the years when I spent more time at work than with him. I am so sorry that I didn’t know how to show him that I loved him beyond words, and I’m so sorry if I ever made him feel less because of my actions. I’m so sorry if how I raised him may have created mental issues in his adult life. I’m sorry for the unhealed parts of me that hurt him. But I did reassure him that being his mom was the best thing in my life, and I am proud of him. I also told him not to allow my messy ruff to get in his way of living his best possible life.

That night, I was so thankful that my son turned out much better than I did when I was the exact age he was. I guess I must’ve done something right as a mom because my son never really gave me any headaches. After our heart-to heart-talk that night in late November 2019, my son got out of his depression, concentrated on his studies (he was able to figure out what he wanted to study at university); he also learned to live on his own independently; he juggled between his studies and part-time work. 2022 proved to be the best year for both my son and I: he graduated Cum Laude (With Distinction) from university and I got married to my partner. I am so proud of the fact that my son is both a survivor and a fighter. I am so proud of the fact that he’s not a quitter in life. I am so proud of the fact that he knows how to bounce back from a fall. 

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I’m so proud of the man that my son has become over the last 7 years. To date, he has been a Software Engineer with a stable job at the same company for almost three years now. He lives a fulfilling life — he’s active in sports, he loves to run and play basketball in his spare time; he loves to work out, and he is surrounded by his friends whom he’s been friends with since his elementary days. He has also made new friends through his work and industry. He also has a strong creative side: he dabbles in painting and photography. My husband and I spend Sunday evenings with him. We are all foodies, and we all like to discover new restaurants together as a family.

My son and I enjoy open communication with each other. I may not be a perfect mom, but I did my best as a single mom. I made sure my son didn’t experience the things I experienced (experiences that traumatized me as a child). I made sure that I gave him a better childhood than I ever had. I neither criticized my son nor called him names like “stupid”, or “lazy”. I never criticized the way he dressed up or the way he was as a person. I made sure I accepted and embraced my son for who he is, just the way he is. 

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During his delicate years (pre-teen and teenage years), I encouraged my son to be himself without pressure. I neither compared him to other kids nor to his cousins. I was never strict with him and encouraged him to have friends and spend time with his friends during weekends. I allowed him to go to parties. I disciplined him, but I also didn’t overdo it. I encouraged him to learn for himself, to never be afraid to fail. I encouraged him to make mistakes and I didn’t even get too upset with him when he was at his “experimental stage” in life (hey, I did far worse when I was his age, so I am not one to judge). 

My son and I enjoy a close-knit relationship because we respect each other’s boundaries. My son and I have a loving relationship because we are both positive towards each other. My son and I enjoy each other’s company because I never enforce my views and beliefs on him and vice versa. My son taught me how to be a better mom to him. As a single mom who was the sole provider to my son when he was a child up until he was 21, the weight I carried was heavy, but my love for my son was always heavier — my love for my son far outweighed the difficulties. Our relationship as mother and son continues to grow and evolve as the years pass, and we hope to continue to grow stronger and closer together as the years go. 

My son sure got every version of me: the good, the bad, and the ugly. My son has seen me at my best, and he has seen me at my worst. My son has experienced the highest of the highs and the lowest of lows with me — we have been through it all together. My most fulfilling role is that of being a Mom to my son. I still remember when the doctor told me, “Congratulations, it’s a boy.” And from that moment, I knew the man I would love for the rest of my days had arrived.