Lifestyle
Family Estrangement: Why It’s Okay
Family estrangement is the absence of a previously long-standing relationship between family members via emotional or physical distancing to the extent that there is zero communication between the involved family members for a lengthened period. I decided to delve more into this topic because a lot of people that I personally know are going through their own family estrangement and I seem to notice that as we progress through the years, family estrangement seems to be on the rise too.
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Even amongst the celebrity world, famous personalities such as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (they are both estranged from the Royal Family notably from King Charles, Queen Camilla, Prince William, and the Princess of Wales, Catherine. Meghan Markle herself is estranged from her own father and half-siblings); Jennifer Aniston was estranged from her mother even up to the latter’s death; Angelina Jolie was estranged from her father, Jon Voight, for sometime before they eventually patched things up; Adele spent many years estranged from her father before she reconciled briefly with him prior to his death; Drew Barrymore was once estranged from her mother before they reconciled years later; and even in the Philippines, a country known for tight knit families, gold medalist Carlos Yulo is currently estranged from his whole family, and I heard from the grapevine, so is KC Concepcion (also currently estranged from her mom, stepfather, and half-siblings).
One might ask why is there such a thing as family estrangement? For starters, family relationships are already complicated as it is. Family members are not often similar with their views, beliefs and behaviours. Family estrangement can stem from ideological differences, behavioural differences, political differences, religious differences, behaviours arising from mental illness, domestic abuse and violence, family business gone wrong, misbehaviour on one or both parties, and sometimes it even stems from the simplest of misunderstandings. Whatever the cause of family estrangement, don’t be quick to judge those going through family estrangement because remember that there’s always two sides to the story and as the old adage goes, it always takes two to tango in all relationships.
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Why does it seem that family estrangement is on the rise lately? Perhaps because there is less pressure compared to past generations when it comes to tolerating poor treatment and poor behaviour from both sides and there is more awareness of mental health and whilst we can’t divorce from our parents, children and siblings, we can now choose to take the steps towards estrangement. Nowadays, we live in a more accepting society (most especially in the Western world), it is no longer taboo to disengage yourself from your family. There is no longer stigma or shame in cutting ties with your family — simply because everyone’s mental health and wellbeing should take priority over choosing to stay in a negative family relationship. Nowadays, it is perfectly okay to estrange yourself from your family without feeling guilty or ashamed that you’ve done something sinful. And this is exactly the step that a close friend of mine, François (and his family), took five years ago.
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François gave me his permission to share his personal experience. In late 2019, after a family argument, longstanding negativity and various misunderstandings between François and his family members — François and his family decided to have mutual enmity from each other — both sides decided to stop seeing each other and cut off all communications between them. Fast forward to 2024, and it’s been five years since they’ve been estranged from each other. Recently, François reunited with his siblings albeit under a sad circumstance — he had to attend the funeral of a family member. When his sibling texted François regarding the death of a family member, he did not hesitate to attend the funeral. François truly believes that in times of grief and sorrow, familial differences must be put aside in order to mourn the departed and grieve with those that were left behind. François brought his wife and children to the funeral. There, he had the chance to hug his two siblings and nephews and nieces. For François, it was a moment to pay his sincerest respects to the departed family member and at the same time, offer his deepest condolences to his siblings and other family members.
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I asked François how he felt after his brief sad reunion with some members of his family and he shared, “My children and I were greatly sad with the passing of our family member as he was always so kind to me and my children. I was glad to be able to hug my two siblings and felt a sense of placidity knowing that I sincerely offered my condolences as well as peace to my estranged siblings.” As for possible reconciliation with his family, François said, “I’m not pushing for reconciliation or anything. To be honest, at the funeral, I felt like a complete stranger because I didn’t really know most of the people that were there and I didn’t really talk to any family members. But that’s just a part of being estranged from each other over the last five years. It’s natural to feel like a complete stranger. I was just grateful that I was able to offer my sincerest condolences and peace, and the fact that I was able to hug my two siblings is enough for now. I’d rather take small concrete steps rather than rush to anything. I just know that in times of grief and sorrow, no matter what your differences are with each other, it’s important to let each other know that you still care about them. It’s what kindness is about. It’s part of being human, it’s about having common decency and empathy for the family that you were born into.”
François elaborated, “You don’t need to be close to your family again, because it does take time to heal from past pain and troubles. You don’t need to reconcile or reconnect with them right away. It takes time for one to grow as a person and overcome any negative behaviours and feelings. It takes time to heal from past hurts. This is the thing with me: I deal and live with my various medically diagnosed mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoia, and bipolar disorder on a daily basis, so relationships in general, for me, are a real struggle to deal with. To have healthy relationships with others, I must carefully choose who I allow into my life and that’s how I’ve been living my life since my estrangement from my family five years ago. This doesn’t mean that my family is bad, it simply means that I don’t get along well with them, and it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a matter of personal differences. That’s all. Thankfully, I’m in a better place now than I was five years ago. I learned that in order to love others, I must be at peace with myself, I must be in the healthiest state of mind and mental wellbeing.”
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From François, I learned this about family estrangement: it’s okay to be estranged from your family. You don’t need to feel guilty or shameful. Nowadays being estranged from your family is more common than we think. Personally, I originally come from a hugely devout Catholic country where family is everything and that if you choose to cut ties with your family, you are judged and labelled as ungrateful, rebellious, and a sinful pariah. You are not supposed to alienate yourself from your family. In most cases, you are even expected to pay back your parents for bringing you up. In the Western world, this is such a wrong and unhealthy mindset. Our children are not our belongings, they are neither our possessions nor our properties. Our children are not the extensions of our lives. They neither owe us anything nor owe us any debt of gratitude. We do not even control our children. They are ours to love, raise, teach, protect but in the end, they have their own lives to live, they have their own destinies to fulfil. It is not our children’s responsibility to support us in our old age. It is our duty as parents to allow our children to learn to fly away from the nest.
From François, here are the following ways I learned from him on how to deal and manage family estrangement:
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NEVER AIR YOUR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC. No matter how angry you are with your family members, never ever air your filthy family laundry in public. Don’t be a whiner like Prince Harry or Meghan Markle. You don’t need to play the poor victim part. Don’t stoop down that low. Don’t be like the mother of Carlos Yulo who aired her grievances about her son on social media. Eww. That is so classless and tacky. You don’t disown your child in public. And don’t be like Carlos Yulo or his girlfriend either by answering your mother’s accusations in public. You don’t owe anyone any explanation. What goes on in your family is no one else’s business. It should stay within the privacy of your family. It’s bad enough that you are all dealing with so much pain, anger and resentment; you don’t need to include outsiders in your family troubles. Keep things confidential and above all, keep it classy. Don’t turn private matters into a circus for everyone to gawk at or gossip about.
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Photo courtesy of the author.
NEVER BADMOUTH YOUR ESTRANGED FAMILY MEMBERS TO OTHERS. Once again, no matter how angry you are, refrain from badmouthing your estranged family members to others. Remember this important fact: what you say about others says more about yourself. Choose your words carefully and wisely. If you have nothing good to say, best to keep your mouth zipped! Again, it’s important to stay classy.
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DON’T PLAY THE VICTIM CARD. Personally, I think that the worst thing that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle did when they decided to bolt away from the Royal Family was to play the victim card. It was a bad call to confide in Oprah or to write a memoir blaming others. They were quick to put the blame on the Royal Family. They were quick to portray themselves as the pitiful poor victims. It was such a wrong move to do and to be honest, quite immature! First of all, again, I must stress that in all relationships, it always takes two to make it wrong or right. You are both at fault and right at the same time because there’s always two sides to every story. No one is to be blamed completely. Remember, that you, yourself are at fault.
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BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR OWN MISTAKES. I know it’s hard to do, but it is vital that you own up to your own mistakes. It is vital that you be accountable for your actions. Be responsible and take full responsibility for your actions and choices in life. You are in control of your life and your actions. Don’t be afraid to apologise if you have to. Don’t be afraid to offer peace first. Get rid of your ego and pride.
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WHILE ESTRANGED WITH YOUR FAMILY, CHOOSE THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE WISELY. It is true, we can never choose the family that we were born into but we can always choose the ones we want to surround ourselves with. Now that you’re estranged from your family, learn to choose wisely who you want to surround yourself with in your life. This is a must and I strongly feel that it is the most important step you can take in your life. Surround yourself with positive people; people who you are like minded with; people you are most comfortable with; people you can strongly trust; people you truly connect with. People who you feel safe enough to disagree with and still feel comfortable and not threatened. This is what I learned from Francois, over the last five years, he took time to know and choose carefully the people in his life. He carefully chose friends who eventually became his chosen family. Francois married his best friend, protector, and lover. Francois maintained and nourished his relationship with his own children even more. Francois is blessed to have a close relationship with his own children, perhaps, because he learned from his own failed relationship with his parents so he raised his own children in a much different way. Francois is truly blessed to have an open, honest and truly close relationship with his children.
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CONTINUE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE POSITIVELY. Don’t feel guilty, ashamed or stigmatised by choosing to be estranged from your family. Instead, continue to live your life with positivity. Know that you are not alone in this. A lot of people are going through difficulties with their families and most likely being estranged just like you. Instead, focus on your own healing and living your life in the best possible way. Focus on your personal growth, goals and dreams. Live happily and positively with the new people you choose to have in your life. You don’t need to feel the pressure to reconnect or reconcile with your estranged family just because society dictates it — that is so wrong. It’s okay to stay estranged because as I’ve previously explained, your own mental health and emotional wellbeing matters more and should always be your top priority.
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MOVE FORWARD IN PEACE AND BE AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF. I can’t stress enough how important it is to keep living your life in peace with yourself and with those around you. Don’t keep punishing yourself. Most importantly, be at peace with yourself. Personal peace and freedom takes time and courage. Inner peace is the most precious gift you can give yourself. Give it to yourself now.
I will leave you with this thought to ponder: while we cannot choose those who we were born into, know that we have the power to choose carefully who we will allow into our personal space. We have the power to choose friends who will bring out the best in us and further motivate us to become our best potential. We have the power to choose our better halves who will honour, accept and love our authentic selves. We have the control and power to choose those who will become our chosen families. We have the power to choose our lives to be in peace and harmony.